So.

Huh.

You're looking well.

We've missed you.

It's just, you know, we've been so busy at work and everything. Life, you know? We've just been slammed. Just one of those months, everything comes at you, right?

Yeah, no, things have calmed down a lot now. Yeah, we're free.

Buy you a drink?

On the Day of Victory

"On the day of victory, no one is tired." - Arabic proverb.

And We Struck Him Down Until Not A Single Survivor Was Left

¹ When we headed up the road to Bashan, King Og of Bashan came out against us, he and all his people, for battle at Edrei. ² The Lord said to me, ‘Do not fear him, for I have handed him over to you, along with his people and his land. Do to him as you did to King Sihon of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon.’ ³ So the Lord our God also handed over to us King Og of Bashan and all his people. We struck him down until not a single survivor was left. ⁴ At that time we captured all his towns; there was no citadel that we did not take from them—sixty towns, the whole region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan. ⁵ All these were fortress towns with high walls, double gates, and bars, besides a great many villages. ⁶ And we utterly destroyed them, as we had done to King Sihon of Heshbon, in each city utterly destroying men, women, and children. ⁷ But all the livestock and the plunder of the towns we kept as spoil for ourselves.
- Deuteronomy 3

That's some Biblical fury, right there.

The Persistent Fool is . . . donate your status to the FLORIDA GATORS FOR BCS PREZDENT

We're a blue state here. Orange and Blue. Perhaps you've heard?


It was amazing to see the Gators absolutely dismantle the 'Dawgs. We actually found this great video metaphor for the game:



Knowshon = Drunk Chick. Guess who The Stall Door represents?



We have no idea either. But we do know: It's great to be a Florida Gator.

So THAT was Interesting.

Loved seeing the Gators absolutely destroy LSU. Blah blah LSU lines are going to push UF around blah blah. Admittedly, we were among those predicting that LSU would win. But at least we did properly predict that the Gators would smoke the Tigers secrondary. And they did.

We have to give no end of respect to the LSU fans, who stayed in the stands long, long, long after a Gator fan would have retreated in the face of that horrible pummelling. EDSBS recently pointed out a contrast between Tiger and Gator fans:

Your team is down four touchdowns at halftime. How do you react to the GameDay cameras?
A. [sullen stare that could freeze nitrogen while pressing cellphone to ear]
B. “FUUUUCK YEEEEEW WWOOOOOOOOOOOOO TAHGERS GON GITCHA!!!” [shows breasts, regardless of gender]

In fact, we were still disappointed in a few of our fellow Gator fans. Disappointed? Yes. We were violently shushed, by two different UF fans in the student section. In. The. Student. Section. No, we were not swearing. Merely howling loudly when the Gators were on defense. Like, you know, you're suppossed to. We'll definitely cop to being excessively loud in the stands. Like, you know, you're suppossed to.

If you cannot get jacked up about crushing LSU in a night game at the Swamp that was national championship implications than I pity you. You should probably stay home and put tissue boxes on your feet. Seeing a college football game just isn't for you.

GO GATORS, and Go GATOR FANS.

We Happy Few

WESTMORELAND. O that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work to-day!

KING. What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

LSU 21. Gators, roughly a bajillion.

Worrisome Weekend

What a worrisome (but exciting) weekend. UF gets LSU at home, and UCF travels to Miami to play the 'Canes. Despite the fact that the professional gamblers favor UF by 4, we're extremely worried that LSU will win. Frankly, they just look like the better team. Then again...their defense has not been what it should be. An anemic Auburn offense hung 21 on LSU in a game LSU edged them out with 5 points. Lowely Mississippi State put up 24 against LSU in a ten point loss. LSU's two other wins? DIV II App State and North Texas, one of the only two winless schools in Div I football.

Meanwhile, UCF seems to have no hope whatsoever. We've seen Miami play live this season, and despite their poor record, they look much better than a UCF team that had to edge out SMU. However, if UM is going to be vulnerable, this is the time. The team and fan are no doubt tropically depressed over two tough home losses. UM fans are notoriously fickle, and are not coming to this game. The team is young, the coaching staff is bad in terms of game day coaching. Also, UM has a ton of injuries, including several starters. UM's loss against FSU has shown that they're vulnerable to a mobile QB-- and I think Greco has better wheels than Ponder. Also, UM's passing game against UCF's secondary is a favorable match-up. Their receiving corps drops a helluva lot of passes. Joe Burnett any body? Sha'reff's also great.

If only UCF were a little bit better, this would be a great opportunity to beat UM and start boasting of being better than (at least) someone in the state. But, we can't control the football, can't complete a pass, can't do much of anything. We beat a DIV II school, and SMU, one of the worst teams in the country.

We'll see. . . but this one is going to go UM's way.

Lassos, Snoop Dog, and an Elf

WTF, Y'all? A selection of bizarre news for you today.

1. George O'Leary has a plan for slowing down Miami this weekend:

"Lassos. Issue lassos to your team and hope they can get them," [O'Leary] said.

He then went on to say something about playing position defense and maybe, maybe, not sucking this week. We stopped listening after the lassos bit, actually. The depressing thing is that this idea is his best coaching strategem at UCF (narrowly edging out the perennial favorite: run on first down, run on second down, throw an incomplete pass on third down, punt on fourth down).

Incidentally, UM is going to be playing crippled on Saturday, if this list of injuries is any indication.

2. LSU coach Les Miles is down with his own bad self . . . and Snoop:

Snoop Dogg came on stage during a Miles press conference, and the coach busted out a few spontaneous lines from Snoop Dogg songs, including “Sensual Seduction.” “My performance? I think I’m the worst rapper in the history of rap,” Miles said. “My performance is certainly something that was no more than a weak attempt at Snoop’s style of music.”

Urban Meyer's comment when told of this?

“Les is friends with Snoop?” Meyer said. “Good for him.”

3. Elf? But who gets to be the half-naked barbarian babe? Texas Tech coach Mike Leach calls Wide Receiver Eric Morris "The Elf."

"He calls me the evil elf because he has all these different things: elves are small, they're generally pretty mean and they corner well," Morris told the Tech student newspaper the Daily Torreador. "They're good with a dagger -- he goes on and on about how elves have different traits, and he thinks that I fit the traits of an elf. He thinks that I do well with the football in my hands and calls the football my dagger."

This is an image of an evil elf. We know this, because it is what google image search told us. We are unclear on how this evil elf wipes himself. Probably very, very carefully.

UCF Kicker in Weird Position of Playing Team He Was on Last Year

Well . . . isn't that awkward?

The Orlando Sentinel notes that kicker Daren Daly transferred from UM to UCF and received a waiver in order not miss a year. He is taking graduate courses only offered at UCF. Here's what GOL had to say in the Sentinel blog post:

When I was in preseason when we got a call on that I was surprised what was going on, but the recommendations that came back on him were very good. We just followed up. He had to do all the work. We didn't do any work as far as applying for a hardship.

"I think he is a very mature kid who has his goals set in mind. I was just talking to him last night. He wants to be a GA eventually someplace and eventually get a sports management degree and head off to the NFL in an administrative capacity, so he has his game plan set already as far as what he'd like to do with himself. I think the way the situation worked out, I don't know what happened at Miami. I never really even called there or asked about it. I do know he's a pretty good kicker, and he's healthy now. He kicked for us last week in all the phases and he'll do the same this week."

The Plebeians Speak

Mike Bianchi's Orlando Sentinel sports blog invites the plebeians to supply reasons why UCF will beat UM on Saturday, because he certainly cannot.

We'll keep our fingers crossed for one of the following (they'll be our only hope):

1. Entire UM team wiped out as the result of gang violence.
2. Mass overdoses whittle away UM squad.
3. Stray meteor destroys UM coaching staff.
4. Massive injuries continue.

Perhaps the best "reason why UCF will beat UM" that a reader supplied?

Mike, UCF only needs two things to win. First, UCF must have a higher score than Miami. Second, Miami must have a lower score. If UCF can accomplish those two things, they are almost guaranteed a win.

Posted by: Recovering UCF Fan | October 07, 2008 at 03:44 PM

We salute you, sir or madam, we salute you.

"Boycott the Sentinal! Go UCF!"

Our passing game is almost as good as our spelling.Shortly before the UCF-SMU game, fans hired a plane to fly a banner reading, "Boycott the Sentinal! Go UCF!" The proposed boycott is presumably a response to the Orlando Sentinel's harsh coverage of George O'Leary.

You know, this is the sort of spelling-related nonsense we expect from vital-chromosome-lacking USF fans. Ah, well.

Please let us know if you have a picture of this amazing banner.

Knights Win Last Game of Season!

When you have to survive SMU at home, you know you are not winning any more games this season. Okay, maybe UAB. MAYBE.

Still, we'll take it for the win that it is. Neither of the hand-off artists that we call quarterbacks performed in great fashion, though cheers to Greco for that 54 yard bomb. Jeers to Calabrese. 5 of 9 for 32? Pretty uninspiring, dude.

Looks like Ronnie Weaver will be good when he grows up. Joe Burnett continues to be amazing. Looking forward to seeing this guy on Sundays.

USF Fails to Enjoy Free Mustache Ride

Dude, you've been Wannst'ached. With a 26-21 at home loss in which USF looked absolutely awful, the Bulls join the ranks of, you know, other Florida teams who flailed horribly at home to inferior opponents.

It's just a law of the universe that that keeps anything from collapsing into chaos: USF will perform well, get cocky, a Florida loss will then enable USF to brag that it's the best team in the state, then USF will get its face stepped on in highly public fashion.

USF looked horrible against a Pitt team that pounded the ball through with running back McCoy. Grothe, the Bull's magic eight ball of a quarterback, came up with "Focus. Try again." The Bulls totally lacked focus, committing roughly one hundred thousand penalties.

Three cheers for USF's impending plummet down the polls!

Focus and ask again, Mr. Grothe. Focus, and ask again.

O'Leary Round-Up

1. O'Leary? Yes, there are a few issues there, Mike Bianchi. Good article discussing the good and bad (but mostly bad) of King George.

2. It's possible that George also has a few player management problems. There's the howling at a player who subsequently passed out on a leg press machine, ruining Steven Moffett's potential with his rough language, and, some would say, working a player to death. Who knows? At this point he may even be nipple clamping players directly to weight machines.

There's also this, from former UCF-stud-turned-much-bigger-NFL-Stud Brandon Marshall:

"[O'Leary] was a guy that told me on my pro day when I was stretching getting ready to run routes for the scouts that I didn’t have the ability to play receiver in the league because I couldn’t get separation."

Good motivation there, George. Also: good eye for talent.

UCF has a Very Bad Plan

Oh, look-- "UCF is inviting parents, students, and fans to learn more about its academic programs before the [SMU] game." This is a very bad plan. Or, depending on your perspective, an amazingly hilarious plan.

Nothing like drunk-as-Hell tailgaters mixing with those "academic" types. Beer bong with the Dean?

SMU Worst Rushing Offense in D-1

BAP. There you go. If UCF can't beat the school with the worst rushing offense, King George should be shot out of a cannon into outer space.

UCF compared to SMU: Just the Facts, Please

An Orlando Sentinel UCF blog post noted that SMU coach "June Jones says Knights are like SMU . . . Just Trying to find a way to win." We posted a comment saying that when your team is compared to SMU, you know you're in trouble. We drew this response:

I'm sorry, but we are not nearly as bad as SMU. Hopefully this comparison will wake up our team.

Posted by: ucfrocks | September 29, 2008 at 10:11 PM

Of course, it got us thinking...how do we compare? Here you go:

UCF SMU
Record 1-3 (o-1) 1-4 (0-2)
Avg. margin of loss 26.33 27.75
Total Completions 49.1% 54.9%
Total Passing Yards 530 1383
Total Rushing Yards 602 180

Yep. We're both pretty awful. The difference in the average margin of loss is pretty negligible. Apparently, SMU can air it out a little but, but they move the ball on the ground even worse than the Knights do.

And yes, this Saturday, both teams will be trying to beat their first Division 1 opponent of the season. Oh, by the way: UCF is now an ESPN Bottom 10 team. And deservedly so.

An Extremely Serious and Accurate Article About George O'Leary

September 29, 2008
By D.F. Amation
The Orlampa Slantinel

Early this morning, a torch wielding mob of UCF fans battered down the gates of the foreboding Castle O'Leary, in search of its namesake, that cruel and blotchy-faced lord of the night.

The mob found George O'Leary sitting on a throne made of the bones of former third-stringers. Reportedly, the known drunkard O'Leary was guzzling $500-a-bottle scotch from the empty skull of a Georgia Tech player and torturing endangered animals with his free hand.

The mob asked O'Leary some very cogent, reasonable, and well-thought out questions, which he absolutely refused to answer. O'Leary made a hasty retreat from his castle, possibly by turning into a booze-sweating bat or walrus and flying (or flippering, as the case may be) off.

The angry mob, emulating UCF's defensive backs, could not catch him.

Authorities soon arrived and conducted a search of Castle O'Leary. They discovered a dungeon full of players strapped by their nipples to various pieces of exercise equipment. According to one officer who was on the scene, "It was sort of like a torture chamber, if a torture chamber had more weight machines and chaffed, raw nipples."

As they waited to be loaded on to ambulances, the players shared their views on Coach O'Leary. "I really feel that he's ruined my potential," whined an emaciated Steven Moffett. "The things Coach did to me were just terrible. I was forced to endure coarse language, and sometimes even had to exert myself physically." With chattering teeth, Moffett continued, "I could have been a superstar. I had it in me. Thanks to O'Leary and all of his coarse words, now I play for the AFL 2 Thunderbirds. Coach ruined me."

Matt Prater, who authorities unlocked from a cage made of his own shame, mentioned that he was forced to flagellate himself with barbed wire after each of his many missed kicks.

A more recent player added, "Sometimes, Coach made me use a leg press. How bullshit is that, right?"

No arrests were made in connection with the events at Castle O'Leary. UCF officials stated that the costs of prosecution were too high.

Coach George O'Leary was given the opportunity to respond to this fair and balanced article, as he has been in the in the past. However, when a Slantinel reporter knocked on the coffin in which Coach O'Leary sleeps, the dastard replied that he would make no statement. The Slantinel reporter also thought he heard O'Leary say something about being too busy devouring innocent children and picking his teeth with their bones to respond. This was unable to be independently verified so, what the Hell, we printed it anyway.

Well, This Has Gone Poorly

Siiiigggghhh. Ole Miss 31, UF 30? Ugh. Clearly, the best team on the field won. We're never sure if that makes a loss more or less disappointing. We couldn't hold on to the ball, couldn't make a big play.

There is some silver lining in that the SEC East remains wide open thanks to Georgia's loss against a murderous 'Bama squad.

But UCF? No silver lining after a Knight of Futility. UTEP hammered UCF 58-13. UTEP? Oh yes-- with this win, they snaped what was the longest current losing streak in the country. When you can't beat UTEP. . . uh, you're probably not going to beat damn near anyone. The Knights' season thus far certainly casts doubt on O'Leary's coaching acumen.

We don't need to make firegeorgeoleary.com yet. But losses like this tell us that George O'Leary has brought the program about as far as he can. To get to the next level, we'll be needing someone else.

Gators 2009 Football Schedule

Ladies and Gentlemen, your (tentative) Florida Gators 2009 Football Schedule:

September 5 Charleston Southern, at home.
September 12 Troy, at home.
September 19 Tennessee, at home.
September 26 Kentucky, away.
October 10 LSU, away.
October 17 Arkansas (Homecoming)
October 24 Mississippi State, at home
October 31 World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party
November 7 Vandy, at home.
November 14 South Carolina, away.
November 21 FIU, at home.
November 28 Florida State, at home

Wow, what a fluff schedule. LSU away is always a scary game. Georgia should still be strong next year...

...and...

huh.

Charleston Southern, FIU, Troy? That's, uhm, exhausting. And also FSU has lost its luster in recent years. We're pretty underwhelmed by the out of conference schedule. We much preferred playing a respectable WAC team, Hawaii, and traditional superpower UM.

Trojans Rupture, 'Quizz All Over the Field

Trojans can't hold back 'Quizz? Beavers snatch victory? Beavers dirty Sanchez? And a slew of other double entendres as well.

The Oregon State Beavers rode freshman Jacquizz Rodgers to victory against the USC Trojans, 27-21. The flaccid Trojan defense gave up 186 yards and two touchdowns to Rodgers in what will no doubt be USC's marquee loss of the season.

This seems to be the usual USC pattern. Destroy your opponents, looking like men among boys, and then flop horribly to a bad team, thereby destroying USC's title hopes. That's right Oregon State, UCLA, Stanford (and Oregon State again)-- we're looking at you.

We're usually of the opinion that Pete Carroll poops rainbows. This time, he and his team pooped a brick. And Oregon State? They apparently pooped on USC:

Trojans can't come from behind.

Were you Aware that George O'Leary is Kind of a Jerk?

Just in case you were not aware of it, The Orlando Sentinel has published an epic article laying out the many failings of George O'Leary, most obviously his willingness to push players hard. Nope . . . nothing timely about this article. At. All. Unless the fan ire directed at O'Leary after the recent losses suddenly makes "blahblahGeorgeO'Learyisatoomuchofatoughcoachblahblah" timely.

Here's an anecdote from the article about someone with high blood pressure, a leaky heart valve, and vasovagal syncope fainting:

So McNealy, then an 18-year-old redshirt freshman, sat down on the machine, his back angled toward the ground. He recalls O'Leary above him, yelling, "Push the weight! Push the weight!"

McNealy tried -- and then blacked out. The weight crashed down and pushed McNealy's knees into his chest. "I heard guys saying that they saw me turn blue," McNealy said. "They said they heard the air just go out of me."

The next thing McNealy could recall, he was lying down on a bench, and O'Leary was holding his hand, asking McNealy to squeeze his fingers.

Oh, no! That is very much George O'Leary's fault in a very serious way. He should have intuitively known that McNealy had undiagnosed health problems and should never have, you know, instructed a Division I football player to exercise rigorously.

And speaking of undiagnosed health problems, what George O'Leary story would be complete without:

Plancher collapsed and died following a strength-and-conditioning workout on March 18, and Plancher's parents have told state and school officials that they intend to file a wrongful-death suit against the university.

Plancher's death is a horrible, horrible tragedy. But we need to stop pinning it on George O'Leary. If we really want to take the threat of these sudden-football-workout-deaths seriously, then we should beg the NCAA to require that athletes be screened for things like sickle cell trait.

But, look, let's not get bogged down with important things like, "finding solutions that will prevent future, similar tragedies." You see, that would be too prodcutive. Rather, let's dredge up more muck to throw at George O'Leary:

"I had a bad back," [a former Georgia Tech player] told the Sentinel recently. "He put me in the middle of a circle, and he had people just come at me. You know, boom!"

[He] remembers what he was thinking as 10 guys took turns slamming into him: "If that makes you feel better, if you could sleep better at night knowing that you did that, Coach, if that's going to make me a better player, then the hell with it. Bring it on."

Wow, that is a relevant incident to us today! In fact, we're surprised that the Sentinel did not raise the hoary old spectre of Steven-whine!-O'Leary-cursed-at-me-and-ruined-my-potential Moffett. What tremendous restraint.

If you're dissatisfied with George O'Leary, fine. He's got a pretty mediocre record overall, doesn't he? UCF under King George's rule certainly hasn't stunned BCS teams in bowl games like Boise State, has not produced a Heisman contender contender like Hawaii, and certainly has not torn through BCS teams like The Fightin' Latter Day Saints have.

He's not a pleasant guy. He's cantankerous and rude. But these George O'Leary stories have gotten absurd, and loaded with awful implications.

Again, if we want to find solutions to tragedies like Plancher's death, we should have NCAA regulations that require more extensive testing of student athletes. Or, Hell, concerned programs could lead the way and voluntarily do more rigorous testing. In any case, let's not pin it on O'Leary personally. Let's you know, work on solutions instead.

To leave you with another perspective (look! we are both fair and balanced!), here's an anonymous comment from a post we made about O'Leary's rough style:

Hell of a point of view. . . Is it strange to you that players like Walker and Marshall who were great athletes at UCF dont come back to watch bowl games or championship games? Probably because even though they were incredible athletes they recognize they had a prick for a coach and dont want to come back. Yeah, football is about yelling but for a major university shouldnt it also be about creating relationships with the student athletes that come in and out of the program every year? I think it is.

Mull it over, y'all, mull it over.

Another Perspective on UCF/BC Fandom

The Central Florida Future has an adorable little article about how UCf fans should emulate BC fans. We humbly submit that we would hurl ourselves down the steps of The Dungeon if this were the case. We don't want to see a return to the days when UCF fans sat limp-wristed and confused in the Citrus Bowl, do we?

That being said, UCF fans could use with being a little less awful to other fans. We need to emulate the noble gorilla: we can all bang on our chests about who the alpha ape is, but at the end of the day, we should still be able to sit down and eat bananas together.

Idaho? No-- u da Ho.

Look, it's almost funny if you read it aloud.

At any rate, Idaho Vandals cheerleaders now have to change their uniforms which are evidently far, far too sexy for people from that miserable state. An example of the sexiness that must absolutely be stopped:


Wow, that's, uh . . . well. Two pieces and a weird little vest thing sometimes. That's clearly far too titillating for Idahoan sensibilities. A pity, too, since the Idaho Vandals are one of the worst teams in college football. Certainly, no one is watching the team. I guess that's how folks came to be deeply emotionally distressed and distraught about the uniforms:

"A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," said Bruce Pitman, dean of students. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them."

Jesus. And it's not just the fault of these overly-garment-fixated fans:

"Girls are just bigger these days, not everybody's a size zero," [a cheerleading advisor] said. "We're not being a bunch of prudes."

This is actually the second uniform change of the year for the Vandals cheerleaders. Earlier, officials remove the "UI" logo which was on the rear of the pants.

If BC Fans Ran the Country, We Would Lose the War on Terror

We recently arrived home from a wonderful trip to Boston. After taking in some extremely serious meetings on Friday, we enjoyed did not weep openly at the BC-UCF game. Observations:

1. BC Fans are Unsure of What to Do at a Football Game. No cursing, threatening, shouting, cheering, clapping of hands or stamping of feet. Indeed, we are fairly certain that BC fans lack the tendons needed to stand. The SEC, this was not. Hell, the C-USA, this was not. By comparison . . .

2. Six UCF Fans are Louder than an Entire Section of BC Fans. We are very proud of our fellow UCF fans. We used to complain loudly, bitterly, and often that UCF fans were insufficiently passionate about their team. Consider the complaints withdrawn. UCF fans are rowdier by far than the meek and feeble BC fans.

3. But that guy Brad was pretty cool. We did have one of the most pleasant half time conversations with Brad, the only BC fan in earshot who cheered like someone at a football game. And UCF was even leading at the time! If this were an SEC game he would have preemptively smashed us in the face with a whiskey bottle and dragged us out to his mobile home/ meth lab/ redneck torture chamber.

Northeast liberals just don't understand preemption.

4. A plague on all of your kickers. Even the BC fans were not as awful as the kickers from both teams. Seriously, y'all are very bad at football. Two kicks bounce off the posts? Ridiculous short misses. Unacceptable. What is wrong with the kickers? What could make them so profoundly, profoundly terrible?

Oh. Well, it all makes sense, then.

5. We sorely miss 24K and his amateur status. How is that whole "going pro early" thing working out for you, anyway? Pretty mediocre you say?

6. What a Disheartening Season this will be. When you get schooled by a team playing as turnover-tastic as BC, you know it's going to be a long, long season. We only have one BCS school left to try and upset and that is not going to happen. We saw Miami play, and they are going to reduce the Knights to a bloody smear when the teams meet in October.

Oh You Dirty, Dirty, Boy

Media types calling George O'Leary got connected to a phone sex line. Presumably not on purpose.

Apparently, the UCF athletics communications director screwed up one digit on a conference call. The phone was answered:

"Hello, sexy. You've reached the one-on-one fantasy line."

What is our fantasy? Mmmm...UCF in the Big East, playing and beating USF every year.

Don't think O'Leary can provide that one.

We Can Win If They Stay Crippled . . .

. . . and that's always a cheery thought. UCF needs to hope that a physically imposing BC team remains sufficiently injury-hampered for the Knights to win on Saturday. BC defensive end Alex Albright is out for the year with some sort of disc problem. Several other BC players got banged up in their feeble loss to Georgia Tech two weeks ago, but are likely to play.

Meanwhile, UCF Wide Receiver Kamar Aiken is likely out.

Keep your fingers crossed, because this is the Knights' only decent chance to beat a team from a BCS conference this year. We've seen Miami play and, damn, will they turn UCF into a bloody smear.

All Hell, Boil Over!

"God is in the still small voice. In all these affidavits, indictments, it is all of the devil--all corruption. Come on! ye prosecutors! ye false swearers! All hell, boil over! Ye burning mountains, roll down your lava! for I will come out on the top at last. I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only man that has ever been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter, nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him; but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet . . . " - Joseph Smith

Uhm. 59-0 is a good score. The Fightin' LDSes are fantastic. . . this is our pick to BCS bust!

Ramblin'

1. Bullshit. We our denied our opportunity to gloat this Friday when USF escaped Kansas at the end of the game. We assumed that Mark Mangino would be hungry for beef, but apparently not hungry enough. We're very distressed about the very real possibility that USF will tear through the Big East undefeated. Sweet, sweet, schadenfreude denied...

2. ...kind of. Because at least we got to watch USC thrash Ohio State into utter submission. We wonder how long it takes before the voters and talking heads finally understand that they vastly, vastly overrate OSU. Can't beat Florida, can't beat LSU, sure as Hell cannot beat USC.

3. Uh, Georgia not as good as advertised. Thank God.

4. We go to Boston this weekend. We'll be attending the annual meeting of a certain nonprofit organization we're a little bit enthusiastic about on Friday. On Saturday, we plan to squeeze in the UCF-BC game. Also: gorging ourselves on clam chowder. Or chowdah. Whatever.

Should be exciting since this is, you know, UCF's only reasonable chance this year to beat a "name" team. Having seen UM play this year, we're aware that they will stick a shiv into the Knights. Multiple, multiple times. And of course, that whole USF thing didn't work out too well...as usual. But at least BC is craptacular, as its performance against Georgia Tech indicates.

Mmm. Chowdah!

Fewer Arrests at UCF-USF than UF-UM

The Orlando Sentinel announces that there were fewer arrests UCF-USF game at the UF-UM game.

As if that were a good thing. When will people realize that we will not get the respect we deserve as a football school until there are more arrests at our game? At UCF there were 5 custodial arrests and 31 notices to appear (non-custodial arrests). UF police arrested 50 people.

We were saddened initially, until we realized this:

Attendance at the UCF game was about half that at the UF game. So proportionately, UCF may actually have had MORE arrests....

The UF statistic of 50 arrests does not specify whether notices to appear (non-custodial arrests) were counted separately (as UCF counted them) or incorporated into the "50 arrests" figure. If they were incorporated...then the UCF game DID in fact have a higher proportion of arrest-per-game-attendee!

Our quest for football school legitimacy continues!

USF's Leavitt Talks Trash About UCF Filling Stadium, Lacks Stadium of Own

USF Coach Jim Leavitt says, of the fact that USF's game against Kansas is not expected to sell out:

"Fifty-two thousand isn't bad," Leavitt said. "It's more than they got at Central Florida, right? By a bunch. And that's a sellout over there, right? I'm not making comparisons, and I probably shouldn't have said those things about them the other day. I'm not taking any of it back, but I mean, they have a good program. George (O'Leary) does a good job there."

This is sort of like us insulting Hugh Heffner for having insufficient numbers of bikini women in his grotto. We, of course, lack a grotto of our own (to say nothing of our wont of bikini women). Why would we cast aspersions on another man's grotto given such a condition?

Dear Jim: You do not have a stadium, so don't complain about how many people we cram into ours.

But wait! They play in Raymond James! News flash: it says "Buccaneers" in the end zone and has a god damn pirate ship. A god damn pirate ship. So that doesn't count.

And listen genius...The Dungeon has 45,301 seats. If it had more, believe me, we would will them for key games, too.

A Sling and a Stone

And the Philistine said to unto David: 'Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves?' And the Philistine cursed David by His god.

And the Philistine said to David: 'Come to me, and I will give they flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the fields.'

Then David said to the Philistine: 'Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a javelin; but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast taunted;

This day will the Lord deliver thee into my hand; and I will smite thee; and take they head off thee; and I will give the caracasses of the hosts of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel;

and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear; for the battle is the LORD'S, and He will give you into our hand.'

And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.

And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slung it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead; and the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell upon his face to the earth.

So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

And David ran, and stood over the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw that their mighty man was dead, they fled.

-- 1 Samuel Chapter 17

See you in 2013

Gators 26, 'Canes 3.

Well, that was not as easy as it should have been.

We had a great time seeing a bitter rivalry renewed, and finally getting that damn UM monkey of our collective backs.

Miami should be proud of a ferociously physical team that will mature and be amazing. We'd like to get this one on the record: in a soft ACC with an incredibly favorable conference schedule, Miami is our pick for ACC Champion. You can begin chuckling now, but we feel it in our bones.

We were thrilled to see a huge Gator crowd, but disappointed to see so very few Miami fans.

See more of you in 2013, when the teams meet again.

UCF Potpurri

Yeah, we said "potpurri." Shut up.

1. Today, ESPN notes the premature death of the UCF-USF rivalry. Have no fear, ESPN. It's merely cryogenically frozen. It will be revived some day when, God willing, the Knights have an offense.

Erm. And a defense.

Some choice quotes:
South Florida players took exception to some comments made by Central Florida before last year's game, including UCF coach George O'Leary asking about the Bulls, "What league are they in -- the Big East?"

After last year's blowout win, Bulls quarterback Matt Grothe said, "I hope they like what happened because we weren't trying to run the score up on them. We're that much better than them."

2. Oh, by the way, the USF defense looks amazing. Against the Knight's flailing offense, they'll have us suffocated like . . . a thing that gets suffocated. Profoundly and severely.

See? Who says we don't give credit where credit is due?

3. And someone named Daunte Culpepper retired from the NFL after spending a number of years puttering about, being generally useless.

UCF-USF Hate Week: ...And USF had a Terrorist Professor, as Well

As if you weren't already enjoying trash-talking USF fans by calling their students terrorists, we'd like to note that one of their (now former, but current at the time) professors is a terrorist.

USF Professor Sami Al-Arian was arrested in 2003 on charges of funding terrorists. He was tried in 2005, and was acquitted of some of the charges, though the jury deadlocked on the nine other charges. Ultimately, Al-Arian pled guilty to conspiracy to provide services to the Palestinian Islamnic Jihad. AL-Arian served prison time and was deported.

Al-Arian taught computer science at USF. He was also the Director of the World and Islam Studies Enterprise, a USF-associated think tank.

UCF: Win on Saturday. Don't let the terrorists win!

Beef and Iron and Steel

"The men do sympathize with mastiffs, in robustious and rough coming on, leaving their wits with their wives; and then give them great meals of beef, and iron, and steel, and they will eat like wolves and fight like devils." ~ Shakespeare, Henry V.

God, we love 'Bama this year.

United States Chief Justice Roberts to Watch Gators Crush Canes

Chief Justice John Roberts will be on hand to watch the Gators win over the 'Canes this Saturday. Roberts will be in Gainesville to judge the University of Florida law school moot court competition.

Mr. Chief Justice will be tailgating with Senator Mel Martinez and Governor Charlie Crist. We do not anticipate that many beers will be chugged.

Too bad, really.

UCF-USF Hate Week: (At Least Some) USF Students are Terrorists

We're pleased to announce that it is once more UCF-USF hate week. As you know (we hope), UCF and USF will be playing for the last time in the foreseeable future. Why? Because USF has a weird arrogance and their President hates the fan base.

In any case, this will be our last opportunity for a good, ol' fashioned UCF-USF hate week. Let's get your blood boiling with some things you may not be aware of, but will now certainly point out to all friends enemies frenimies who go to that commuter school at the ass end of I-4.

Did you know that (at least some) USF students are terrorists? Now you do!

In 2007, two USF students were indicted for transporting explosives and aiding terrorists by demonstrating the use of an explosive device. The two were arrested for having a pipe bomb in the trunk of their car... incidentally, that was near the U.S. Naval Consolidated Brig.

Now, we like to point out that we are absolute bleeding hearts who cherish our civil liberties and believe that people are innocent until proven guilty. However, we also believe, firmly, that there are no burdens of proof on the internet. Just ask this happy and informative feline:

And, in any case, one of the students has agreed to plead guilty to providing material support to terrorists. In addition to the whole "pipe bomb thang," the student distributed a video on the internet (yes, THE INTERNET!) describing how to turn a remote control toy into a detonator for a bomb. As his plea agreement states:

He said he wanted to teach “martyrdoms” and “suiciders” how to save themselves so they could continue to fight the invaders.

We don't know what's more atrocious-- the fact that he sought to facilitate terrorism, or that a USF education leads one to refer to people as "martyrdoms" and "suiciders."

(Hint: it's the first one).

Ladies and gentlemen, the USF student body! Let 'er rip.

Melikalikimaka is Hawaii's Way to Say Merry Christmas to You

Thanks Hawaii. That was easy. It may have not been stunning to beat Hawaii 56-10, but it did make us very happy:

1. Tim Tebow didn't have to do very much. Thank God. Tebow was 9 of 14 for 137 yards and one touchdown. It's a nice change from when Tebow had to put every game on his back and carry it. Tebow was still in the game longer than necessary, but at least Urban was not afraid to yank him out and put in Cam Newton when it was time to ram it in like a gentleman.

2. People with names other than Tebow can run with the ball. Brandon James returned a punt 74 yards for a touchdown. Rainey and Demps, who warps time and space, took off on 33 yard and 62 yard touchdown runs, respectively.

3. I can has a secondary? Yes, ask Ahmad Black about that. Black intercepted two passes, returning one for a touchdown. The awesomely named Major Wright and Jacques Rickerson also picked off two passes. Wright returned his for a touchdown as well.

We'll be eager to see how the Gators fare against a real team.

UCF Football Player Ricky Kay Arrested

UCF walk-on Ricky Kay was arrested after, of course, driving back to campus from the club. At the campus parking garage, he managed to both run over a stop sign and break a pressure gauge attached to a fire sprinkler.

Kay's been charged with misdemeanor destruction of property and "preventing or hindering firefighter equipment." Quite possibly, the wussiest felony ever.

Chris Leak signs with the CFL's Hamilton Tiger-Cats

You knew this was coming.

“We consider Chris to be a great CFL quarterback prospect,” said Hamilton general manager Bob O’ Billovich.

Fuckin' ouch. Yeah, Leak is considered a great CFL quarterback prospect. Just what any aspiring player wants to hear. Oh, Chris Leak...we had such high hopes for you after that AAFL Post-Draft Party.

We're only kidding.

We never had high hopes.

Something Happened While We Weren't at the Keyboard!

UF grabbed two more recruits for next year: Mike Gillislee and Nu'Keese Richardson.

Gillislee chose Florida over offers from Michigan, Auburn, Da U, The Fightin' Zooks, NC State, Notre Dame, Clemson, South Carolina, and others.

Nu'Keese Richardson committed to UF over offers from Georgia, Michigan, and both USCs. Nu'Keese, we welcome you and your first name.

...

...Oh, look. College Football News has things to say about UF.

Hmph. Back to the off-season doldrums...go read about Joakim Noah's pot arrest or something.

Preston Parker Missing...Two Games?

Yes, FSU's Preston Parker is missing a whooping two games. Why? Oh, yeah, some thing that involved cannabis and a .45. Parker pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors arising out of that incident.

That...is some incredibly lax punishment for what started out as a felony and a misdemeanor.

BLAM! BLAM!

Because guns and college football players go together so, like, awesomely:

UCF Cornerback Johnell Neal got shot with an assault rifle. Said the Baton Rouge police department:

"Suspects were apparently hiding beside [his family's] house and waiting for the right opportunity to shoot him while he was standing in front of the house."

UF's early enrollee Matt Patchan also got popped. He was shot in the shoulder at a park in Brandon. He's expected to recover in three weeks. Of course, a lot of UM fans threatened to kill him after he committed to UF instead of UM...this probably, definitely, has definitely nothing to do with those maniacs.

Peace Out, Hornsby

See you later. It takes a truly special kind of jackass to fraudulently use a dead woman's credit card for months.

Post-Draft Mash-Up

We wanted to gather some of our post-draft thoughts in one place. There were obvious stories, and then there were little nuggets of information too interesting to be left out, and too unimportant to justify their own posts:

1) DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER WAS A CRACK ADDICT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND? CRACK ADDICT! CRACK ADDICTS SMOKE CRACK, WHICH IS WHAT DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER DID, MAKING HER A CRACK ADDICT. Thank you, thank you for that, ESPN. If you hadn't reminded us every three minutes that Darren McFadden's mother was a crack addict, we might have never remembered. Now, we very sure of this fact. Very, very sure! After all, we heard it dozens and dozens of time during your broadcast! We now feel comfortable approaching strangers on the street to have discussions about the all-important fact that Darren McFadden's mother was a crack addict. Granted, when I close my eyes, I have visions of Darren McFadden's mother inhaling crack smoke out of an apple. Price you pay, I guess! Thanks ESPN!

2) Kevin Smith went in the 3rd round. HE IS NOT A CRACK ADDICT. DON'T CONFUSE HIM WITH DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER WHO IS A CRACK ADDICT. The third C-USA running back taken, Smith should get a lot of carries early on for the Lions. We predict a short but fruitful NFL career before the hits wear him out/break him down. This guy is going to get more carries then...uh...something that carries quite a lot.

2.5) Josh Sitton of the Knights went dead last in the 4th round. To Green Bay. Wow. Geez. Not a lot to say about that, other than whenever we mention Green Bay and UCF in the same sentence, it makes us nostalgic for Atari Bigby's hair.

No, this post isn't really about you at all. But when else do we get to shoehorn in a reference to our favorite player whose name is the Japanese word for "attack?"

Quatro) Oh, some Gator boys were picked, too. Derrick Harvey went to the Jaguars as the result of a surprising trade up. Andre "Bubba" Caldwell got snagged by Cincinnati. Tony Joiner (of "breaking-into-a-tow-lot-to-steal-back-a-car") fame was signed as a free agent. Carlton Medder and Drew Miller were also signed as free agents.

<*) Miami's going streaking! 14th year in a row! Everybody to the Quad. UM, like Will Ferrell, is still streaking. But just barely.

%) GGGGGEEEEE-NOOOOOO. FSU's Geno Hayes went in the sixth round. Uh, wow! This is of course the same guy who said he was going to "end" Tim Tebow, shortly before UF clobbered FSU 45-12. He made one tackle the entire game, and pushed an elderly journalist after it. Oh, he also had to be tasered outside a Tallahassee club one time. Drafted in the sixth round? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, as far as we're concerned. Oh yeah, FSU Players fared pretty badly in the draft overall.

3+2+1) Mmm...Sweet Schadenfreude. One of our least favorite players, Colt Brennan, was taken in round six at pick number 186. Astute readers (Hell, we guess you don't really need to be astute to pick up on this) know that we hate/love-to-hate Colt Brennan: we gloated when he failed miserably at the Senior Bowl, and we watched gleefully as his poor performance in the Sugar Bowl got Don Ho kicked out of Heaven. We normally like felonious football players-- it's fun as Hell to write about them-- but this guy's felony convictions arose out of an incident in which he entered the room of a female student at Colorado and "exposed himself and fondled her." Yeah, yeah. We know the court vacated the unlawful sexual contact conviction (though the felony burglary and trespassing convictions stuck)--- But guess what? There are no burdens of proof on the internet!

Anyway, buried in the sixth round is a fine place for this guy. Unlike DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER, COLT BRENNAN IS NOT A CRACK ADDICT. Or, at least, so we think.

...or so this adorable cat informed me.

Andre Caldwell Goes!

...eventually. Wide Receiver Caldwell goes to the Cincinnati Bengals with the 97th overall pick.

Here's what College Football News had to say:

34

97

Cincinnati Andre Caldwell, WR Florida One of the toughest calls among the receivers, Bubba has good size, phenomenal speed, and was a dynamic playmaker at times throughout his record-setting Florida career. How much are scouts scared off by the broken leg suffered a few years ago? He might not have the elite skills to blossom into a star of any sort, but he's tough, isn't going to worry about taking a hit, and he can flat-out move either on deep balls or on short routes to rack up big yards after the catch.

Good for you, Bubba. Hey, remember this:

24K Goes as the First 3rd Round Pick (64th Overall)

The Detroit Lions sent a sixth round draft pick to Miami for the privilege of moving up two spots to draft Kevin Smith. 24k is the first pick of the third round, and the 64th overall. Readers will no doubt remember that after many, many, many assurances that he would not turn pro, Smith reversed position.

Not only was 24k not drafted in the first or second round, he was also the third C-USA running back picked. East Carolina's Chris Johnson went to Tennessee at number 24 overall. Chicago drafted Matt Forte of Tulane in the second round.

Regardless of the self-esteem hit of not being the first or second C-USA running back drafted, the Lions seem to be an excellent fit for 24k. The Lions have no running game to speak of, and will give Kevin Smith carries until he collapses give Kevin Smith plenty of opportunities to prove himself. They’ll appreciate his complete willingness to sacrifice his body hard-nosed work ethic.

Some collected perspectives on the 24k pick by those who are far more informed than we are:

ESPN:

1(64)	Detroit (From Miami)	Kevin Smith	RB	CENTRAL FLORIDA
	Smith can dance in the backfield too much and he's a little bit of an upright runner, so he takes some big hits. However, he does an excellent job of reading his blocks and shows good burst in the hole. He also has good vision and enough lateral mobility to make defenses pay for overpursuing.

College Football News:

1

64

Detroit (from Miami) Kevin Smith, RB UCF Would Smith be considered a first rounder if he was Kevin Smith, Florida instead of Kevin Smith, UCF? While his competition will be questioned, playing in Conference USA, he produced against everyone including NC State (217 yards and two touchdowns), Texas (149 yards and two touchdowns), and Mississippi State (119 yards, but on 35 carries). George O'Leary and the Knights weren't afraid to overuse their star getting him a whopping 450 carries and 24 catches last season, and he cranked out 2,567 rushing yards and 29 touchdowns despite having all 11 defenders and the waterboy focused on stopping him. He's a producer, but he'll have a short shelf life if he's asked to be a No. 1 back.

From Sports Illustrated:

Let me get this straight: the Lions traded two picks to Miami to select Central Florida running back Kevin Smith with the first selection of the draft's second day, No. 64 overall? I think I'm beginning to understand the draft strategy in Detroit. Whenever possible, you take the best available generically named running back -- providing his first name is Kevin.

The Lions cut injury-prone veteran running back Kevin Jones (first round, 2004) earlier this offseason and just replaced him with Kevin Smith. What, was Kevin Doe draft ineligible?

But seriously, not a bad recovery by the Lions after passing on Illinois running back Rashard Mendenhall with their No. 15 first-round pick on Saturday. Smith, of course, led the nation in rushing last year for UCF, and listening to him at the scouting combine in February, he clearly has a chip on his shoulder with something to prove to the teams that classified him a second-day pick. Detroit seems satisfied to go to work with a backfield tandem of Tatum Bell and Smith.

We'll update this post with other perspectives as they come out.

Good luck 24K, and thanks for carrying our entire offense last year. Let's send you off with, say, a highlight video of everyone of the 41 carries you had against UAB:

Jacksonville Jaguars Draft Gators DE Derrick Harvey #8

Hey, look at that: a Gator goes at number 8. Harvey will join former teammate Reggie F'n Nelson, whom the Jacksonville Jaguars snapped up last year. You may remember Harvey from last year's BCS Title Game, in which he made Troy Smith weep tears of blood. And look: highlights from this year!

UCF Players Meeting with University Attorneys About Plancher's Death

UCF players are now meeting with University Attorneys as part of the continuing investigation into Erek Plancher's death.

We expect the Orlando Sentinel to soon begin reporting that University Torture Experts are waterboarding the UCF players, shocking them with alligator clips connected to car batteries, tearing their fingernails out with rusty pliers, giving them the ol' dutch oven, and probably even directing mean spirited [expletives] at them.

We'll be waiting with bated breath for that forthcoming expose.

Because it's the Offseason, and There's Nothing to Write About Until the Draft Starts...

...how about a mascot fight?


Yeah, that's the stuff.

Doing The People's Work

The Florida Legislature is doing the people's work. In what was no doubt an excellent use of government resources, the Florida State Senate awarded Tim Tebow the Medallion of Excellence for his off field achievements. Off field achievements? Why, yes:

Tebow, who was home-schooled for 12 years before college, has a 3.77 grade point average at Florida. He spent his spring break visiting orphans and sick children in the Philippines, where his parents are missionaries.

What, no mentions of the many surgeries he performed there? No mention that Tim Tebow can in fact believe it's not butter? Well, regardless, that sweet GPA and 10 days of volunteerism certainly qualifies Tebow to receive "the highest citizens honor the Senate can bestow."

The Florida House of Representations also honored Tebow with a resolution. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you the full text of HR 9177, Timothy "Tim" Tebow:

Commends Tim Tebow for his academic & athletic accomplishments, recognizes him for his character & compassion toward his fellow human beings, & congratulates him on his historic recognition in being awarded 2007 Heisman Trophy.

After receiving this honor, Tebow "threw several passes to Speaker Marco Rubio, R-West Miami." What is it with Speaker Rubio? This guy has must have the most achingly unfulfilled football fantasies. Astute football/state politics enthusiasts (all three of you) will recall two years ago when Rubio bobbled a pass from Dan Marino on the House floor. Again, we're sure there was a valid legislative purpose underlying that as well.

This is probably the most important legislative event since Hoopz from Flava of Love came to the state Capitol. Yes, we were there. Jesus, the legislators were more excited for that than they were for Newt Gingrich's visit a week or so later.

Not that we blame them, really.

At the risk of getting bogged down in further editorializing, we give you The People's Work:

Tim Tebow's tears can fix Florida's homeowner's insurance crisis. Too bad he's never cried.

Foolishness

Earlier this week, FSU's Preston Parker was arrested for possession of marijuana (4.81 grams) and for carrying a concealed weapon (a .45). Ballin'. For those not aware, Parker's probably FSU's best offensive player. He appears to be working on becoming the 'Noles most criminally-offensive player as well.

Oh, that also means he's going to get charged with petty theft stemming from an earlier incident. Parker had been sent to pre-trial diversion and, had he completed it successfully, the theft charges would have been dropped. He had not yet satisfied the terms of the diversion program- though Parker had completed the educational component and done the required community service, he didn't actually pay $200 in court costs. Oops. Now that case gets kicked out of the diversion program and back on to the court's docket.

We've noticed that news outlets seem confused about whether the concealed weapon will be charged as a felony. Lawya, please! Of course it will be charged as a felony:

Fla. Stat. 790.01, Carrying Concealed Weapons
...
(2) A person who carries a concealed firearm on or about his or her person commits a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.
...

You get the misdemeanor charge for concealed weapons other than firearms.

Not a felony.

Not a felony.

Felony.
(We good now?)

But we didn't want to just rag on poor felonious Preston Parker. We also wanted to point out that our emergent Gator stand-out Chris Rainey is also foolish as Hell (though not criminally):

[H]e asked to visit Meyer's house one Sunday last summer for what Meyer expected to be a serious chat (Did Rainey want out?). Turns out he just wanted to hang out with Meyer's pre-teen son Nate. "He's watching 'Ice Age' with my 9-year-old," Meyer said. "They're on the same wavelength."

Dude...what?

Incredibly Premature Predictions: UM Edition

The inimitable Sunday Morning Quarterback presents its assessment of Miami. You know, those guys whose team is wind...or water...or both, really. SMQ predicts a thorough beating at the hands of the Gators, a split of the VT and FSU games, and a winning conference record...or maybe just going 4-8.

On a more optimistic note, College Football News predicts a realistic record of 8-4. CFN says the Canes will be helped by a fortuitous schedule. Stuff orange and green people like? How about not having to play Clemson and BC, and getting VT and FSU at home.

And yes, we do believe UM will shiv in the gut thoroughly beat the Knights in Miami. Thank you, 24k, you and your bags and bags of NFL dollars.