An Extremely Serious and Accurate Article About George O'Leary

September 29, 2008
By D.F. Amation
The Orlampa Slantinel

Early this morning, a torch wielding mob of UCF fans battered down the gates of the foreboding Castle O'Leary, in search of its namesake, that cruel and blotchy-faced lord of the night.

The mob found George O'Leary sitting on a throne made of the bones of former third-stringers. Reportedly, the known drunkard O'Leary was guzzling $500-a-bottle scotch from the empty skull of a Georgia Tech player and torturing endangered animals with his free hand.

The mob asked O'Leary some very cogent, reasonable, and well-thought out questions, which he absolutely refused to answer. O'Leary made a hasty retreat from his castle, possibly by turning into a booze-sweating bat or walrus and flying (or flippering, as the case may be) off.

The angry mob, emulating UCF's defensive backs, could not catch him.

Authorities soon arrived and conducted a search of Castle O'Leary. They discovered a dungeon full of players strapped by their nipples to various pieces of exercise equipment. According to one officer who was on the scene, "It was sort of like a torture chamber, if a torture chamber had more weight machines and chaffed, raw nipples."

As they waited to be loaded on to ambulances, the players shared their views on Coach O'Leary. "I really feel that he's ruined my potential," whined an emaciated Steven Moffett. "The things Coach did to me were just terrible. I was forced to endure coarse language, and sometimes even had to exert myself physically." With chattering teeth, Moffett continued, "I could have been a superstar. I had it in me. Thanks to O'Leary and all of his coarse words, now I play for the AFL 2 Thunderbirds. Coach ruined me."

Matt Prater, who authorities unlocked from a cage made of his own shame, mentioned that he was forced to flagellate himself with barbed wire after each of his many missed kicks.

A more recent player added, "Sometimes, Coach made me use a leg press. How bullshit is that, right?"

No arrests were made in connection with the events at Castle O'Leary. UCF officials stated that the costs of prosecution were too high.

Coach George O'Leary was given the opportunity to respond to this fair and balanced article, as he has been in the in the past. However, when a Slantinel reporter knocked on the coffin in which Coach O'Leary sleeps, the dastard replied that he would make no statement. The Slantinel reporter also thought he heard O'Leary say something about being too busy devouring innocent children and picking his teeth with their bones to respond. This was unable to be independently verified so, what the Hell, we printed it anyway.

Were you Aware that George O'Leary is Kind of a Jerk?

Just in case you were not aware of it, The Orlando Sentinel has published an epic article laying out the many failings of George O'Leary, most obviously his willingness to push players hard. Nope . . . nothing timely about this article. At. All. Unless the fan ire directed at O'Leary after the recent losses suddenly makes "blahblahGeorgeO'Learyisatoomuchofatoughcoachblahblah" timely.

Here's an anecdote from the article about someone with high blood pressure, a leaky heart valve, and vasovagal syncope fainting:

So McNealy, then an 18-year-old redshirt freshman, sat down on the machine, his back angled toward the ground. He recalls O'Leary above him, yelling, "Push the weight! Push the weight!"

McNealy tried -- and then blacked out. The weight crashed down and pushed McNealy's knees into his chest. "I heard guys saying that they saw me turn blue," McNealy said. "They said they heard the air just go out of me."

The next thing McNealy could recall, he was lying down on a bench, and O'Leary was holding his hand, asking McNealy to squeeze his fingers.

Oh, no! That is very much George O'Leary's fault in a very serious way. He should have intuitively known that McNealy had undiagnosed health problems and should never have, you know, instructed a Division I football player to exercise rigorously.

And speaking of undiagnosed health problems, what George O'Leary story would be complete without:

Plancher collapsed and died following a strength-and-conditioning workout on March 18, and Plancher's parents have told state and school officials that they intend to file a wrongful-death suit against the university.

Plancher's death is a horrible, horrible tragedy. But we need to stop pinning it on George O'Leary. If we really want to take the threat of these sudden-football-workout-deaths seriously, then we should beg the NCAA to require that athletes be screened for things like sickle cell trait.

But, look, let's not get bogged down with important things like, "finding solutions that will prevent future, similar tragedies." You see, that would be too prodcutive. Rather, let's dredge up more muck to throw at George O'Leary:

"I had a bad back," [a former Georgia Tech player] told the Sentinel recently. "He put me in the middle of a circle, and he had people just come at me. You know, boom!"

[He] remembers what he was thinking as 10 guys took turns slamming into him: "If that makes you feel better, if you could sleep better at night knowing that you did that, Coach, if that's going to make me a better player, then the hell with it. Bring it on."

Wow, that is a relevant incident to us today! In fact, we're surprised that the Sentinel did not raise the hoary old spectre of Steven-whine!-O'Leary-cursed-at-me-and-ruined-my-potential Moffett. What tremendous restraint.

If you're dissatisfied with George O'Leary, fine. He's got a pretty mediocre record overall, doesn't he? UCF under King George's rule certainly hasn't stunned BCS teams in bowl games like Boise State, has not produced a Heisman contender contender like Hawaii, and certainly has not torn through BCS teams like The Fightin' Latter Day Saints have.

He's not a pleasant guy. He's cantankerous and rude. But these George O'Leary stories have gotten absurd, and loaded with awful implications.

Again, if we want to find solutions to tragedies like Plancher's death, we should have NCAA regulations that require more extensive testing of student athletes. Or, Hell, concerned programs could lead the way and voluntarily do more rigorous testing. In any case, let's not pin it on O'Leary personally. Let's you know, work on solutions instead.

To leave you with another perspective (look! we are both fair and balanced!), here's an anonymous comment from a post we made about O'Leary's rough style:

Hell of a point of view. . . Is it strange to you that players like Walker and Marshall who were great athletes at UCF dont come back to watch bowl games or championship games? Probably because even though they were incredible athletes they recognize they had a prick for a coach and dont want to come back. Yeah, football is about yelling but for a major university shouldnt it also be about creating relationships with the student athletes that come in and out of the program every year? I think it is.

Mull it over, y'all, mull it over.

UCF-USF Hate Week: ...And USF had a Terrorist Professor, as Well

As if you weren't already enjoying trash-talking USF fans by calling their students terrorists, we'd like to note that one of their (now former, but current at the time) professors is a terrorist.

USF Professor Sami Al-Arian was arrested in 2003 on charges of funding terrorists. He was tried in 2005, and was acquitted of some of the charges, though the jury deadlocked on the nine other charges. Ultimately, Al-Arian pled guilty to conspiracy to provide services to the Palestinian Islamnic Jihad. AL-Arian served prison time and was deported.

Al-Arian taught computer science at USF. He was also the Director of the World and Islam Studies Enterprise, a USF-associated think tank.

UCF: Win on Saturday. Don't let the terrorists win!

UCF-USF Hate Week: (At Least Some) USF Students are Terrorists

We're pleased to announce that it is once more UCF-USF hate week. As you know (we hope), UCF and USF will be playing for the last time in the foreseeable future. Why? Because USF has a weird arrogance and their President hates the fan base.

In any case, this will be our last opportunity for a good, ol' fashioned UCF-USF hate week. Let's get your blood boiling with some things you may not be aware of, but will now certainly point out to all friends enemies frenimies who go to that commuter school at the ass end of I-4.

Did you know that (at least some) USF students are terrorists? Now you do!

In 2007, two USF students were indicted for transporting explosives and aiding terrorists by demonstrating the use of an explosive device. The two were arrested for having a pipe bomb in the trunk of their car... incidentally, that was near the U.S. Naval Consolidated Brig.

Now, we like to point out that we are absolute bleeding hearts who cherish our civil liberties and believe that people are innocent until proven guilty. However, we also believe, firmly, that there are no burdens of proof on the internet. Just ask this happy and informative feline:

And, in any case, one of the students has agreed to plead guilty to providing material support to terrorists. In addition to the whole "pipe bomb thang," the student distributed a video on the internet (yes, THE INTERNET!) describing how to turn a remote control toy into a detonator for a bomb. As his plea agreement states:

He said he wanted to teach “martyrdoms” and “suiciders” how to save themselves so they could continue to fight the invaders.

We don't know what's more atrocious-- the fact that he sought to facilitate terrorism, or that a USF education leads one to refer to people as "martyrdoms" and "suiciders."

(Hint: it's the first one).

Ladies and gentlemen, the USF student body! Let 'er rip.

Peace Out, Hornsby

See you later. It takes a truly special kind of jackass to fraudulently use a dead woman's credit card for months.

Foolishness

Earlier this week, FSU's Preston Parker was arrested for possession of marijuana (4.81 grams) and for carrying a concealed weapon (a .45). Ballin'. For those not aware, Parker's probably FSU's best offensive player. He appears to be working on becoming the 'Noles most criminally-offensive player as well.

Oh, that also means he's going to get charged with petty theft stemming from an earlier incident. Parker had been sent to pre-trial diversion and, had he completed it successfully, the theft charges would have been dropped. He had not yet satisfied the terms of the diversion program- though Parker had completed the educational component and done the required community service, he didn't actually pay $200 in court costs. Oops. Now that case gets kicked out of the diversion program and back on to the court's docket.

We've noticed that news outlets seem confused about whether the concealed weapon will be charged as a felony. Lawya, please! Of course it will be charged as a felony:

Fla. Stat. 790.01, Carrying Concealed Weapons
...
(2) A person who carries a concealed firearm on or about his or her person commits a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.
...

You get the misdemeanor charge for concealed weapons other than firearms.

Not a felony.

Not a felony.

Felony.
(We good now?)

But we didn't want to just rag on poor felonious Preston Parker. We also wanted to point out that our emergent Gator stand-out Chris Rainey is also foolish as Hell (though not criminally):

[H]e asked to visit Meyer's house one Sunday last summer for what Meyer expected to be a serious chat (Did Rainey want out?). Turns out he just wanted to hang out with Meyer's pre-teen son Nate. "He's watching 'Ice Age' with my 9-year-old," Meyer said. "They're on the same wavelength."

Dude...what?

eBay It!

The Orlando Sentinel reported in its "Swamp Things" blog that former Gator Steven Harris's 2006 BCS National Championship Ring ended on eBay. The Sentinel refers to Harris's money problems, noting that he "has struggled to support his family -- he had fathered at least three children before finishing his time at UF." At least three children? At least? Steven Harris, you are very BAD AT BIRTH CONTROL. Of course, he's not the only football player to ever fail at contraception. Harris was under contract for the Broncos, so he's surely not totally impoverished at the moment despite, ah, at least three mouths to feed.

The Sentinel later posted Harris's response that it was not his ring. Meanwhile, the auction has been taken off of eBay.

This incident makes us think back to last year, when one of our ol' frat brothers who operates an Orlando pawn shop talked with Florida player who was trying to sell his BCS ring. The shop only offered a little more than $1000, and the player declined to sell. Said frat brother, however, could not identify the player.