Lassos, Snoop Dog, and an Elf

WTF, Y'all? A selection of bizarre news for you today.

1. George O'Leary has a plan for slowing down Miami this weekend:

"Lassos. Issue lassos to your team and hope they can get them," [O'Leary] said.

He then went on to say something about playing position defense and maybe, maybe, not sucking this week. We stopped listening after the lassos bit, actually. The depressing thing is that this idea is his best coaching strategem at UCF (narrowly edging out the perennial favorite: run on first down, run on second down, throw an incomplete pass on third down, punt on fourth down).

Incidentally, UM is going to be playing crippled on Saturday, if this list of injuries is any indication.

2. LSU coach Les Miles is down with his own bad self . . . and Snoop:

Snoop Dogg came on stage during a Miles press conference, and the coach busted out a few spontaneous lines from Snoop Dogg songs, including “Sensual Seduction.” “My performance? I think I’m the worst rapper in the history of rap,” Miles said. “My performance is certainly something that was no more than a weak attempt at Snoop’s style of music.”

Urban Meyer's comment when told of this?

“Les is friends with Snoop?” Meyer said. “Good for him.”

3. Elf? But who gets to be the half-naked barbarian babe? Texas Tech coach Mike Leach calls Wide Receiver Eric Morris "The Elf."

"He calls me the evil elf because he has all these different things: elves are small, they're generally pretty mean and they corner well," Morris told the Tech student newspaper the Daily Torreador. "They're good with a dagger -- he goes on and on about how elves have different traits, and he thinks that I fit the traits of an elf. He thinks that I do well with the football in my hands and calls the football my dagger."

This is an image of an evil elf. We know this, because it is what google image search told us. We are unclear on how this evil elf wipes himself. Probably very, very carefully.

O'Leary Round-Up

1. O'Leary? Yes, there are a few issues there, Mike Bianchi. Good article discussing the good and bad (but mostly bad) of King George.

2. It's possible that George also has a few player management problems. There's the howling at a player who subsequently passed out on a leg press machine, ruining Steven Moffett's potential with his rough language, and, some would say, working a player to death. Who knows? At this point he may even be nipple clamping players directly to weight machines.

There's also this, from former UCF-stud-turned-much-bigger-NFL-Stud Brandon Marshall:

"[O'Leary] was a guy that told me on my pro day when I was stretching getting ready to run routes for the scouts that I didn’t have the ability to play receiver in the league because I couldn’t get separation."

Good motivation there, George. Also: good eye for talent.

An Extremely Serious and Accurate Article About George O'Leary

September 29, 2008
By D.F. Amation
The Orlampa Slantinel

Early this morning, a torch wielding mob of UCF fans battered down the gates of the foreboding Castle O'Leary, in search of its namesake, that cruel and blotchy-faced lord of the night.

The mob found George O'Leary sitting on a throne made of the bones of former third-stringers. Reportedly, the known drunkard O'Leary was guzzling $500-a-bottle scotch from the empty skull of a Georgia Tech player and torturing endangered animals with his free hand.

The mob asked O'Leary some very cogent, reasonable, and well-thought out questions, which he absolutely refused to answer. O'Leary made a hasty retreat from his castle, possibly by turning into a booze-sweating bat or walrus and flying (or flippering, as the case may be) off.

The angry mob, emulating UCF's defensive backs, could not catch him.

Authorities soon arrived and conducted a search of Castle O'Leary. They discovered a dungeon full of players strapped by their nipples to various pieces of exercise equipment. According to one officer who was on the scene, "It was sort of like a torture chamber, if a torture chamber had more weight machines and chaffed, raw nipples."

As they waited to be loaded on to ambulances, the players shared their views on Coach O'Leary. "I really feel that he's ruined my potential," whined an emaciated Steven Moffett. "The things Coach did to me were just terrible. I was forced to endure coarse language, and sometimes even had to exert myself physically." With chattering teeth, Moffett continued, "I could have been a superstar. I had it in me. Thanks to O'Leary and all of his coarse words, now I play for the AFL 2 Thunderbirds. Coach ruined me."

Matt Prater, who authorities unlocked from a cage made of his own shame, mentioned that he was forced to flagellate himself with barbed wire after each of his many missed kicks.

A more recent player added, "Sometimes, Coach made me use a leg press. How bullshit is that, right?"

No arrests were made in connection with the events at Castle O'Leary. UCF officials stated that the costs of prosecution were too high.

Coach George O'Leary was given the opportunity to respond to this fair and balanced article, as he has been in the in the past. However, when a Slantinel reporter knocked on the coffin in which Coach O'Leary sleeps, the dastard replied that he would make no statement. The Slantinel reporter also thought he heard O'Leary say something about being too busy devouring innocent children and picking his teeth with their bones to respond. This was unable to be independently verified so, what the Hell, we printed it anyway.

Were you Aware that George O'Leary is Kind of a Jerk?

Just in case you were not aware of it, The Orlando Sentinel has published an epic article laying out the many failings of George O'Leary, most obviously his willingness to push players hard. Nope . . . nothing timely about this article. At. All. Unless the fan ire directed at O'Leary after the recent losses suddenly makes "blahblahGeorgeO'Learyisatoomuchofatoughcoachblahblah" timely.

Here's an anecdote from the article about someone with high blood pressure, a leaky heart valve, and vasovagal syncope fainting:

So McNealy, then an 18-year-old redshirt freshman, sat down on the machine, his back angled toward the ground. He recalls O'Leary above him, yelling, "Push the weight! Push the weight!"

McNealy tried -- and then blacked out. The weight crashed down and pushed McNealy's knees into his chest. "I heard guys saying that they saw me turn blue," McNealy said. "They said they heard the air just go out of me."

The next thing McNealy could recall, he was lying down on a bench, and O'Leary was holding his hand, asking McNealy to squeeze his fingers.

Oh, no! That is very much George O'Leary's fault in a very serious way. He should have intuitively known that McNealy had undiagnosed health problems and should never have, you know, instructed a Division I football player to exercise rigorously.

And speaking of undiagnosed health problems, what George O'Leary story would be complete without:

Plancher collapsed and died following a strength-and-conditioning workout on March 18, and Plancher's parents have told state and school officials that they intend to file a wrongful-death suit against the university.

Plancher's death is a horrible, horrible tragedy. But we need to stop pinning it on George O'Leary. If we really want to take the threat of these sudden-football-workout-deaths seriously, then we should beg the NCAA to require that athletes be screened for things like sickle cell trait.

But, look, let's not get bogged down with important things like, "finding solutions that will prevent future, similar tragedies." You see, that would be too prodcutive. Rather, let's dredge up more muck to throw at George O'Leary:

"I had a bad back," [a former Georgia Tech player] told the Sentinel recently. "He put me in the middle of a circle, and he had people just come at me. You know, boom!"

[He] remembers what he was thinking as 10 guys took turns slamming into him: "If that makes you feel better, if you could sleep better at night knowing that you did that, Coach, if that's going to make me a better player, then the hell with it. Bring it on."

Wow, that is a relevant incident to us today! In fact, we're surprised that the Sentinel did not raise the hoary old spectre of Steven-whine!-O'Leary-cursed-at-me-and-ruined-my-potential Moffett. What tremendous restraint.

If you're dissatisfied with George O'Leary, fine. He's got a pretty mediocre record overall, doesn't he? UCF under King George's rule certainly hasn't stunned BCS teams in bowl games like Boise State, has not produced a Heisman contender contender like Hawaii, and certainly has not torn through BCS teams like The Fightin' Latter Day Saints have.

He's not a pleasant guy. He's cantankerous and rude. But these George O'Leary stories have gotten absurd, and loaded with awful implications.

Again, if we want to find solutions to tragedies like Plancher's death, we should have NCAA regulations that require more extensive testing of student athletes. Or, Hell, concerned programs could lead the way and voluntarily do more rigorous testing. In any case, let's not pin it on O'Leary personally. Let's you know, work on solutions instead.

To leave you with another perspective (look! we are both fair and balanced!), here's an anonymous comment from a post we made about O'Leary's rough style:

Hell of a point of view. . . Is it strange to you that players like Walker and Marshall who were great athletes at UCF dont come back to watch bowl games or championship games? Probably because even though they were incredible athletes they recognize they had a prick for a coach and dont want to come back. Yeah, football is about yelling but for a major university shouldnt it also be about creating relationships with the student athletes that come in and out of the program every year? I think it is.

Mull it over, y'all, mull it over.

Oh You Dirty, Dirty, Boy

Media types calling George O'Leary got connected to a phone sex line. Presumably not on purpose.

Apparently, the UCF athletics communications director screwed up one digit on a conference call. The phone was answered:

"Hello, sexy. You've reached the one-on-one fantasy line."

What is our fantasy? Mmmm...UCF in the Big East, playing and beating USF every year.

Don't think O'Leary can provide that one.

USF's Leavitt Talks Trash About UCF Filling Stadium, Lacks Stadium of Own

USF Coach Jim Leavitt says, of the fact that USF's game against Kansas is not expected to sell out:

"Fifty-two thousand isn't bad," Leavitt said. "It's more than they got at Central Florida, right? By a bunch. And that's a sellout over there, right? I'm not making comparisons, and I probably shouldn't have said those things about them the other day. I'm not taking any of it back, but I mean, they have a good program. George (O'Leary) does a good job there."

This is sort of like us insulting Hugh Heffner for having insufficient numbers of bikini women in his grotto. We, of course, lack a grotto of our own (to say nothing of our wont of bikini women). Why would we cast aspersions on another man's grotto given such a condition?

Dear Jim: You do not have a stadium, so don't complain about how many people we cram into ours.

But wait! They play in Raymond James! News flash: it says "Buccaneers" in the end zone and has a god damn pirate ship. A god damn pirate ship. So that doesn't count.

And listen genius...The Dungeon has 45,301 seats. If it had more, believe me, we would will them for key games, too.

Gator's Hire USF's McCarney

UF has hired Dan McCarney as a defensive assistant. McCarney previously head coached for Iowa State, and more recently was the assistant head coach and defensive line coach for USF. He has coached monster defenses, including USF's brutal George Selvie.

This news come after rumors that the Gators may be losing co-defensive coordinator Mattison to the NFL.

We welcome this hire! McCarney gives us visions of barbarian linemen hordes storming and, uh, maybe making a tackle for a loss.

CONAN MAKES TACKLE FOR LOSS!

UCF Hires Joe Tumpkin as Linebackers Coach

UCF has hired Joe Tumpkin as Linebackers coach, reports The Orlando Sentinel. Tumpkin is a lateral hire from SMU. We at The Persistent Fool always worry about lateral hires from C-USA, especially lateral hires from a 1-11 SMU team that ranks in ESPN's Bottom Ten.

Yes, Tumpkin did help coach the defense that ranked 24th nationally against the run in 2006. Well, how did SMU do against the run in 2007? Sportsrating.typead.com has compiled the 2007 rushing defense statistics (adjusted for opposition) and placed SMU at 106th nationally. Please understand that this is out of 120 teams. Sports Illustrated doesn't break down national rankings based on passing and rushing. But SI does note that the Mustang defense was 117th in defense overall.

Great hire, Knights. Great hire.

Blackney hired as UCF's Secondary Coach

In a press release today, UCF announced that Gary Blackney has been hired as the Knight's secondary coach.

Blackney was Maryland's defensive coordinator from 2001-2005. The Terrapins ranked in the top 30 in scoring defense four of those five seasons.

He also has previous head coaching experience at Bowling Green State University. His record there was 60-50-2. Blackney's team had 11 and 10 wins in his first two seasons at BGSU. Evidently, though, he couldn't coach players he recruited as well: in the next eight seasons, BGSU ended up with a winning record only twice.

June Jones, Welcome to C-USA

SMU, without a doubt one of the worst programs in the country, has hired Hawaii coach June Jones. Jones is best remembered for leading WAC school Hawaii to an undefeated regular season and into the Sugar Bowl, where Georgia throttled the living Hell out of them.

Welcome to C-USA, Jones. Let's see if you can breath life into another moribund program. Leave the damn Hawaiian shirt at home, though.

Wikipedia notes that this is a Hawaiian shirt with a "fanciful" design.