United States Chief Justice Roberts to Watch Gators Crush Canes

Chief Justice John Roberts will be on hand to watch the Gators win over the 'Canes this Saturday. Roberts will be in Gainesville to judge the University of Florida law school moot court competition.

Mr. Chief Justice will be tailgating with Senator Mel Martinez and Governor Charlie Crist. We do not anticipate that many beers will be chugged.

Too bad, really.

UCF-USF Hate Week: (At Least Some) USF Students are Terrorists

We're pleased to announce that it is once more UCF-USF hate week. As you know (we hope), UCF and USF will be playing for the last time in the foreseeable future. Why? Because USF has a weird arrogance and their President hates the fan base.

In any case, this will be our last opportunity for a good, ol' fashioned UCF-USF hate week. Let's get your blood boiling with some things you may not be aware of, but will now certainly point out to all friends enemies frenimies who go to that commuter school at the ass end of I-4.

Did you know that (at least some) USF students are terrorists? Now you do!

In 2007, two USF students were indicted for transporting explosives and aiding terrorists by demonstrating the use of an explosive device. The two were arrested for having a pipe bomb in the trunk of their car... incidentally, that was near the U.S. Naval Consolidated Brig.

Now, we like to point out that we are absolute bleeding hearts who cherish our civil liberties and believe that people are innocent until proven guilty. However, we also believe, firmly, that there are no burdens of proof on the internet. Just ask this happy and informative feline:

And, in any case, one of the students has agreed to plead guilty to providing material support to terrorists. In addition to the whole "pipe bomb thang," the student distributed a video on the internet (yes, THE INTERNET!) describing how to turn a remote control toy into a detonator for a bomb. As his plea agreement states:

He said he wanted to teach “martyrdoms” and “suiciders” how to save themselves so they could continue to fight the invaders.

We don't know what's more atrocious-- the fact that he sought to facilitate terrorism, or that a USF education leads one to refer to people as "martyrdoms" and "suiciders."

(Hint: it's the first one).

Ladies and gentlemen, the USF student body! Let 'er rip.

Melikalikimaka is Hawaii's Way to Say Merry Christmas to You

Thanks Hawaii. That was easy. It may have not been stunning to beat Hawaii 56-10, but it did make us very happy:

1. Tim Tebow didn't have to do very much. Thank God. Tebow was 9 of 14 for 137 yards and one touchdown. It's a nice change from when Tebow had to put every game on his back and carry it. Tebow was still in the game longer than necessary, but at least Urban was not afraid to yank him out and put in Cam Newton when it was time to ram it in like a gentleman.

2. People with names other than Tebow can run with the ball. Brandon James returned a punt 74 yards for a touchdown. Rainey and Demps, who warps time and space, took off on 33 yard and 62 yard touchdown runs, respectively.

3. I can has a secondary? Yes, ask Ahmad Black about that. Black intercepted two passes, returning one for a touchdown. The awesomely named Major Wright and Jacques Rickerson also picked off two passes. Wright returned his for a touchdown as well.

We'll be eager to see how the Gators fare against a real team.

UCF Football Player Ricky Kay Arrested

UCF walk-on Ricky Kay was arrested after, of course, driving back to campus from the club. At the campus parking garage, he managed to both run over a stop sign and break a pressure gauge attached to a fire sprinkler.

Kay's been charged with misdemeanor destruction of property and "preventing or hindering firefighter equipment." Quite possibly, the wussiest felony ever.

Chris Leak signs with the CFL's Hamilton Tiger-Cats

You knew this was coming.

“We consider Chris to be a great CFL quarterback prospect,” said Hamilton general manager Bob O’ Billovich.

Fuckin' ouch. Yeah, Leak is considered a great CFL quarterback prospect. Just what any aspiring player wants to hear. Oh, Chris Leak...we had such high hopes for you after that AAFL Post-Draft Party.

We're only kidding.

We never had high hopes.

Something Happened While We Weren't at the Keyboard!

UF grabbed two more recruits for next year: Mike Gillislee and Nu'Keese Richardson.

Gillislee chose Florida over offers from Michigan, Auburn, Da U, The Fightin' Zooks, NC State, Notre Dame, Clemson, South Carolina, and others.

Nu'Keese Richardson committed to UF over offers from Georgia, Michigan, and both USCs. Nu'Keese, we welcome you and your first name.

...

...Oh, look. College Football News has things to say about UF.

Hmph. Back to the off-season doldrums...go read about Joakim Noah's pot arrest or something.

Preston Parker Missing...Two Games?

Yes, FSU's Preston Parker is missing a whooping two games. Why? Oh, yeah, some thing that involved cannabis and a .45. Parker pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors arising out of that incident.

That...is some incredibly lax punishment for what started out as a felony and a misdemeanor.

BLAM! BLAM!

Because guns and college football players go together so, like, awesomely:

UCF Cornerback Johnell Neal got shot with an assault rifle. Said the Baton Rouge police department:

"Suspects were apparently hiding beside [his family's] house and waiting for the right opportunity to shoot him while he was standing in front of the house."

UF's early enrollee Matt Patchan also got popped. He was shot in the shoulder at a park in Brandon. He's expected to recover in three weeks. Of course, a lot of UM fans threatened to kill him after he committed to UF instead of UM...this probably, definitely, has definitely nothing to do with those maniacs.

Peace Out, Hornsby

See you later. It takes a truly special kind of jackass to fraudulently use a dead woman's credit card for months.