UCF compared to SMU: Just the Facts, Please

An Orlando Sentinel UCF blog post noted that SMU coach "June Jones says Knights are like SMU . . . Just Trying to find a way to win." We posted a comment saying that when your team is compared to SMU, you know you're in trouble. We drew this response:

I'm sorry, but we are not nearly as bad as SMU. Hopefully this comparison will wake up our team.

Posted by: ucfrocks | September 29, 2008 at 10:11 PM

Of course, it got us thinking...how do we compare? Here you go:

UCF SMU
Record 1-3 (o-1) 1-4 (0-2)
Avg. margin of loss 26.33 27.75
Total Completions 49.1% 54.9%
Total Passing Yards 530 1383
Total Rushing Yards 602 180

Yep. We're both pretty awful. The difference in the average margin of loss is pretty negligible. Apparently, SMU can air it out a little but, but they move the ball on the ground even worse than the Knights do.

And yes, this Saturday, both teams will be trying to beat their first Division 1 opponent of the season. Oh, by the way: UCF is now an ESPN Bottom 10 team. And deservedly so.

An Extremely Serious and Accurate Article About George O'Leary

September 29, 2008
By D.F. Amation
The Orlampa Slantinel

Early this morning, a torch wielding mob of UCF fans battered down the gates of the foreboding Castle O'Leary, in search of its namesake, that cruel and blotchy-faced lord of the night.

The mob found George O'Leary sitting on a throne made of the bones of former third-stringers. Reportedly, the known drunkard O'Leary was guzzling $500-a-bottle scotch from the empty skull of a Georgia Tech player and torturing endangered animals with his free hand.

The mob asked O'Leary some very cogent, reasonable, and well-thought out questions, which he absolutely refused to answer. O'Leary made a hasty retreat from his castle, possibly by turning into a booze-sweating bat or walrus and flying (or flippering, as the case may be) off.

The angry mob, emulating UCF's defensive backs, could not catch him.

Authorities soon arrived and conducted a search of Castle O'Leary. They discovered a dungeon full of players strapped by their nipples to various pieces of exercise equipment. According to one officer who was on the scene, "It was sort of like a torture chamber, if a torture chamber had more weight machines and chaffed, raw nipples."

As they waited to be loaded on to ambulances, the players shared their views on Coach O'Leary. "I really feel that he's ruined my potential," whined an emaciated Steven Moffett. "The things Coach did to me were just terrible. I was forced to endure coarse language, and sometimes even had to exert myself physically." With chattering teeth, Moffett continued, "I could have been a superstar. I had it in me. Thanks to O'Leary and all of his coarse words, now I play for the AFL 2 Thunderbirds. Coach ruined me."

Matt Prater, who authorities unlocked from a cage made of his own shame, mentioned that he was forced to flagellate himself with barbed wire after each of his many missed kicks.

A more recent player added, "Sometimes, Coach made me use a leg press. How bullshit is that, right?"

No arrests were made in connection with the events at Castle O'Leary. UCF officials stated that the costs of prosecution were too high.

Coach George O'Leary was given the opportunity to respond to this fair and balanced article, as he has been in the in the past. However, when a Slantinel reporter knocked on the coffin in which Coach O'Leary sleeps, the dastard replied that he would make no statement. The Slantinel reporter also thought he heard O'Leary say something about being too busy devouring innocent children and picking his teeth with their bones to respond. This was unable to be independently verified so, what the Hell, we printed it anyway.

Well, This Has Gone Poorly

Siiiigggghhh. Ole Miss 31, UF 30? Ugh. Clearly, the best team on the field won. We're never sure if that makes a loss more or less disappointing. We couldn't hold on to the ball, couldn't make a big play.

There is some silver lining in that the SEC East remains wide open thanks to Georgia's loss against a murderous 'Bama squad.

But UCF? No silver lining after a Knight of Futility. UTEP hammered UCF 58-13. UTEP? Oh yes-- with this win, they snaped what was the longest current losing streak in the country. When you can't beat UTEP. . . uh, you're probably not going to beat damn near anyone. The Knights' season thus far certainly casts doubt on O'Leary's coaching acumen.

We don't need to make firegeorgeoleary.com yet. But losses like this tell us that George O'Leary has brought the program about as far as he can. To get to the next level, we'll be needing someone else.

Gators 2009 Football Schedule

Ladies and Gentlemen, your (tentative) Florida Gators 2009 Football Schedule:

September 5 Charleston Southern, at home.
September 12 Troy, at home.
September 19 Tennessee, at home.
September 26 Kentucky, away.
October 10 LSU, away.
October 17 Arkansas (Homecoming)
October 24 Mississippi State, at home
October 31 World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party
November 7 Vandy, at home.
November 14 South Carolina, away.
November 21 FIU, at home.
November 28 Florida State, at home

Wow, what a fluff schedule. LSU away is always a scary game. Georgia should still be strong next year...

...and...

huh.

Charleston Southern, FIU, Troy? That's, uhm, exhausting. And also FSU has lost its luster in recent years. We're pretty underwhelmed by the out of conference schedule. We much preferred playing a respectable WAC team, Hawaii, and traditional superpower UM.

Trojans Rupture, 'Quizz All Over the Field

Trojans can't hold back 'Quizz? Beavers snatch victory? Beavers dirty Sanchez? And a slew of other double entendres as well.

The Oregon State Beavers rode freshman Jacquizz Rodgers to victory against the USC Trojans, 27-21. The flaccid Trojan defense gave up 186 yards and two touchdowns to Rodgers in what will no doubt be USC's marquee loss of the season.

This seems to be the usual USC pattern. Destroy your opponents, looking like men among boys, and then flop horribly to a bad team, thereby destroying USC's title hopes. That's right Oregon State, UCLA, Stanford (and Oregon State again)-- we're looking at you.

We're usually of the opinion that Pete Carroll poops rainbows. This time, he and his team pooped a brick. And Oregon State? They apparently pooped on USC:

Trojans can't come from behind.

Were you Aware that George O'Leary is Kind of a Jerk?

Just in case you were not aware of it, The Orlando Sentinel has published an epic article laying out the many failings of George O'Leary, most obviously his willingness to push players hard. Nope . . . nothing timely about this article. At. All. Unless the fan ire directed at O'Leary after the recent losses suddenly makes "blahblahGeorgeO'Learyisatoomuchofatoughcoachblahblah" timely.

Here's an anecdote from the article about someone with high blood pressure, a leaky heart valve, and vasovagal syncope fainting:

So McNealy, then an 18-year-old redshirt freshman, sat down on the machine, his back angled toward the ground. He recalls O'Leary above him, yelling, "Push the weight! Push the weight!"

McNealy tried -- and then blacked out. The weight crashed down and pushed McNealy's knees into his chest. "I heard guys saying that they saw me turn blue," McNealy said. "They said they heard the air just go out of me."

The next thing McNealy could recall, he was lying down on a bench, and O'Leary was holding his hand, asking McNealy to squeeze his fingers.

Oh, no! That is very much George O'Leary's fault in a very serious way. He should have intuitively known that McNealy had undiagnosed health problems and should never have, you know, instructed a Division I football player to exercise rigorously.

And speaking of undiagnosed health problems, what George O'Leary story would be complete without:

Plancher collapsed and died following a strength-and-conditioning workout on March 18, and Plancher's parents have told state and school officials that they intend to file a wrongful-death suit against the university.

Plancher's death is a horrible, horrible tragedy. But we need to stop pinning it on George O'Leary. If we really want to take the threat of these sudden-football-workout-deaths seriously, then we should beg the NCAA to require that athletes be screened for things like sickle cell trait.

But, look, let's not get bogged down with important things like, "finding solutions that will prevent future, similar tragedies." You see, that would be too prodcutive. Rather, let's dredge up more muck to throw at George O'Leary:

"I had a bad back," [a former Georgia Tech player] told the Sentinel recently. "He put me in the middle of a circle, and he had people just come at me. You know, boom!"

[He] remembers what he was thinking as 10 guys took turns slamming into him: "If that makes you feel better, if you could sleep better at night knowing that you did that, Coach, if that's going to make me a better player, then the hell with it. Bring it on."

Wow, that is a relevant incident to us today! In fact, we're surprised that the Sentinel did not raise the hoary old spectre of Steven-whine!-O'Leary-cursed-at-me-and-ruined-my-potential Moffett. What tremendous restraint.

If you're dissatisfied with George O'Leary, fine. He's got a pretty mediocre record overall, doesn't he? UCF under King George's rule certainly hasn't stunned BCS teams in bowl games like Boise State, has not produced a Heisman contender contender like Hawaii, and certainly has not torn through BCS teams like The Fightin' Latter Day Saints have.

He's not a pleasant guy. He's cantankerous and rude. But these George O'Leary stories have gotten absurd, and loaded with awful implications.

Again, if we want to find solutions to tragedies like Plancher's death, we should have NCAA regulations that require more extensive testing of student athletes. Or, Hell, concerned programs could lead the way and voluntarily do more rigorous testing. In any case, let's not pin it on O'Leary personally. Let's you know, work on solutions instead.

To leave you with another perspective (look! we are both fair and balanced!), here's an anonymous comment from a post we made about O'Leary's rough style:

Hell of a point of view. . . Is it strange to you that players like Walker and Marshall who were great athletes at UCF dont come back to watch bowl games or championship games? Probably because even though they were incredible athletes they recognize they had a prick for a coach and dont want to come back. Yeah, football is about yelling but for a major university shouldnt it also be about creating relationships with the student athletes that come in and out of the program every year? I think it is.

Mull it over, y'all, mull it over.

Another Perspective on UCF/BC Fandom

The Central Florida Future has an adorable little article about how UCf fans should emulate BC fans. We humbly submit that we would hurl ourselves down the steps of The Dungeon if this were the case. We don't want to see a return to the days when UCF fans sat limp-wristed and confused in the Citrus Bowl, do we?

That being said, UCF fans could use with being a little less awful to other fans. We need to emulate the noble gorilla: we can all bang on our chests about who the alpha ape is, but at the end of the day, we should still be able to sit down and eat bananas together.

Idaho? No-- u da Ho.

Look, it's almost funny if you read it aloud.

At any rate, Idaho Vandals cheerleaders now have to change their uniforms which are evidently far, far too sexy for people from that miserable state. An example of the sexiness that must absolutely be stopped:


Wow, that's, uh . . . well. Two pieces and a weird little vest thing sometimes. That's clearly far too titillating for Idahoan sensibilities. A pity, too, since the Idaho Vandals are one of the worst teams in college football. Certainly, no one is watching the team. I guess that's how folks came to be deeply emotionally distressed and distraught about the uniforms:

"A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," said Bruce Pitman, dean of students. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them."

Jesus. And it's not just the fault of these overly-garment-fixated fans:

"Girls are just bigger these days, not everybody's a size zero," [a cheerleading advisor] said. "We're not being a bunch of prudes."

This is actually the second uniform change of the year for the Vandals cheerleaders. Earlier, officials remove the "UI" logo which was on the rear of the pants.

If BC Fans Ran the Country, We Would Lose the War on Terror

We recently arrived home from a wonderful trip to Boston. After taking in some extremely serious meetings on Friday, we enjoyed did not weep openly at the BC-UCF game. Observations:

1. BC Fans are Unsure of What to Do at a Football Game. No cursing, threatening, shouting, cheering, clapping of hands or stamping of feet. Indeed, we are fairly certain that BC fans lack the tendons needed to stand. The SEC, this was not. Hell, the C-USA, this was not. By comparison . . .

2. Six UCF Fans are Louder than an Entire Section of BC Fans. We are very proud of our fellow UCF fans. We used to complain loudly, bitterly, and often that UCF fans were insufficiently passionate about their team. Consider the complaints withdrawn. UCF fans are rowdier by far than the meek and feeble BC fans.

3. But that guy Brad was pretty cool. We did have one of the most pleasant half time conversations with Brad, the only BC fan in earshot who cheered like someone at a football game. And UCF was even leading at the time! If this were an SEC game he would have preemptively smashed us in the face with a whiskey bottle and dragged us out to his mobile home/ meth lab/ redneck torture chamber.

Northeast liberals just don't understand preemption.

4. A plague on all of your kickers. Even the BC fans were not as awful as the kickers from both teams. Seriously, y'all are very bad at football. Two kicks bounce off the posts? Ridiculous short misses. Unacceptable. What is wrong with the kickers? What could make them so profoundly, profoundly terrible?

Oh. Well, it all makes sense, then.

5. We sorely miss 24K and his amateur status. How is that whole "going pro early" thing working out for you, anyway? Pretty mediocre you say?

6. What a Disheartening Season this will be. When you get schooled by a team playing as turnover-tastic as BC, you know it's going to be a long, long season. We only have one BCS school left to try and upset and that is not going to happen. We saw Miami play, and they are going to reduce the Knights to a bloody smear when the teams meet in October.

Oh You Dirty, Dirty, Boy

Media types calling George O'Leary got connected to a phone sex line. Presumably not on purpose.

Apparently, the UCF athletics communications director screwed up one digit on a conference call. The phone was answered:

"Hello, sexy. You've reached the one-on-one fantasy line."

What is our fantasy? Mmmm...UCF in the Big East, playing and beating USF every year.

Don't think O'Leary can provide that one.

We Can Win If They Stay Crippled . . .

. . . and that's always a cheery thought. UCF needs to hope that a physically imposing BC team remains sufficiently injury-hampered for the Knights to win on Saturday. BC defensive end Alex Albright is out for the year with some sort of disc problem. Several other BC players got banged up in their feeble loss to Georgia Tech two weeks ago, but are likely to play.

Meanwhile, UCF Wide Receiver Kamar Aiken is likely out.

Keep your fingers crossed, because this is the Knights' only decent chance to beat a team from a BCS conference this year. We've seen Miami play and, damn, will they turn UCF into a bloody smear.

All Hell, Boil Over!

"God is in the still small voice. In all these affidavits, indictments, it is all of the devil--all corruption. Come on! ye prosecutors! ye false swearers! All hell, boil over! Ye burning mountains, roll down your lava! for I will come out on the top at last. I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only man that has ever been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter, nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him; but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet . . . " - Joseph Smith

Uhm. 59-0 is a good score. The Fightin' LDSes are fantastic. . . this is our pick to BCS bust!

Ramblin'

1. Bullshit. We our denied our opportunity to gloat this Friday when USF escaped Kansas at the end of the game. We assumed that Mark Mangino would be hungry for beef, but apparently not hungry enough. We're very distressed about the very real possibility that USF will tear through the Big East undefeated. Sweet, sweet, schadenfreude denied...

2. ...kind of. Because at least we got to watch USC thrash Ohio State into utter submission. We wonder how long it takes before the voters and talking heads finally understand that they vastly, vastly overrate OSU. Can't beat Florida, can't beat LSU, sure as Hell cannot beat USC.

3. Uh, Georgia not as good as advertised. Thank God.

4. We go to Boston this weekend. We'll be attending the annual meeting of a certain nonprofit organization we're a little bit enthusiastic about on Friday. On Saturday, we plan to squeeze in the UCF-BC game. Also: gorging ourselves on clam chowder. Or chowdah. Whatever.

Should be exciting since this is, you know, UCF's only reasonable chance this year to beat a "name" team. Having seen UM play this year, we're aware that they will stick a shiv into the Knights. Multiple, multiple times. And of course, that whole USF thing didn't work out too well...as usual. But at least BC is craptacular, as its performance against Georgia Tech indicates.

Mmm. Chowdah!

Fewer Arrests at UCF-USF than UF-UM

The Orlando Sentinel announces that there were fewer arrests UCF-USF game at the UF-UM game.

As if that were a good thing. When will people realize that we will not get the respect we deserve as a football school until there are more arrests at our game? At UCF there were 5 custodial arrests and 31 notices to appear (non-custodial arrests). UF police arrested 50 people.

We were saddened initially, until we realized this:

Attendance at the UCF game was about half that at the UF game. So proportionately, UCF may actually have had MORE arrests....

The UF statistic of 50 arrests does not specify whether notices to appear (non-custodial arrests) were counted separately (as UCF counted them) or incorporated into the "50 arrests" figure. If they were incorporated...then the UCF game DID in fact have a higher proportion of arrest-per-game-attendee!

Our quest for football school legitimacy continues!

USF's Leavitt Talks Trash About UCF Filling Stadium, Lacks Stadium of Own

USF Coach Jim Leavitt says, of the fact that USF's game against Kansas is not expected to sell out:

"Fifty-two thousand isn't bad," Leavitt said. "It's more than they got at Central Florida, right? By a bunch. And that's a sellout over there, right? I'm not making comparisons, and I probably shouldn't have said those things about them the other day. I'm not taking any of it back, but I mean, they have a good program. George (O'Leary) does a good job there."

This is sort of like us insulting Hugh Heffner for having insufficient numbers of bikini women in his grotto. We, of course, lack a grotto of our own (to say nothing of our wont of bikini women). Why would we cast aspersions on another man's grotto given such a condition?

Dear Jim: You do not have a stadium, so don't complain about how many people we cram into ours.

But wait! They play in Raymond James! News flash: it says "Buccaneers" in the end zone and has a god damn pirate ship. A god damn pirate ship. So that doesn't count.

And listen genius...The Dungeon has 45,301 seats. If it had more, believe me, we would will them for key games, too.

A Sling and a Stone

And the Philistine said to unto David: 'Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves?' And the Philistine cursed David by His god.

And the Philistine said to David: 'Come to me, and I will give they flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the fields.'

Then David said to the Philistine: 'Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a javelin; but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast taunted;

This day will the Lord deliver thee into my hand; and I will smite thee; and take they head off thee; and I will give the caracasses of the hosts of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel;

and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear; for the battle is the LORD'S, and He will give you into our hand.'

And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.

And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slung it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead; and the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell upon his face to the earth.

So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

And David ran, and stood over the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw that their mighty man was dead, they fled.

-- 1 Samuel Chapter 17

See you in 2013

Gators 26, 'Canes 3.

Well, that was not as easy as it should have been.

We had a great time seeing a bitter rivalry renewed, and finally getting that damn UM monkey of our collective backs.

Miami should be proud of a ferociously physical team that will mature and be amazing. We'd like to get this one on the record: in a soft ACC with an incredibly favorable conference schedule, Miami is our pick for ACC Champion. You can begin chuckling now, but we feel it in our bones.

We were thrilled to see a huge Gator crowd, but disappointed to see so very few Miami fans.

See more of you in 2013, when the teams meet again.

UCF Potpurri

Yeah, we said "potpurri." Shut up.

1. Today, ESPN notes the premature death of the UCF-USF rivalry. Have no fear, ESPN. It's merely cryogenically frozen. It will be revived some day when, God willing, the Knights have an offense.

Erm. And a defense.

Some choice quotes:
South Florida players took exception to some comments made by Central Florida before last year's game, including UCF coach George O'Leary asking about the Bulls, "What league are they in -- the Big East?"

After last year's blowout win, Bulls quarterback Matt Grothe said, "I hope they like what happened because we weren't trying to run the score up on them. We're that much better than them."

2. Oh, by the way, the USF defense looks amazing. Against the Knight's flailing offense, they'll have us suffocated like . . . a thing that gets suffocated. Profoundly and severely.

See? Who says we don't give credit where credit is due?

3. And someone named Daunte Culpepper retired from the NFL after spending a number of years puttering about, being generally useless.

UCF-USF Hate Week: ...And USF had a Terrorist Professor, as Well

As if you weren't already enjoying trash-talking USF fans by calling their students terrorists, we'd like to note that one of their (now former, but current at the time) professors is a terrorist.

USF Professor Sami Al-Arian was arrested in 2003 on charges of funding terrorists. He was tried in 2005, and was acquitted of some of the charges, though the jury deadlocked on the nine other charges. Ultimately, Al-Arian pled guilty to conspiracy to provide services to the Palestinian Islamnic Jihad. AL-Arian served prison time and was deported.

Al-Arian taught computer science at USF. He was also the Director of the World and Islam Studies Enterprise, a USF-associated think tank.

UCF: Win on Saturday. Don't let the terrorists win!

Beef and Iron and Steel

"The men do sympathize with mastiffs, in robustious and rough coming on, leaving their wits with their wives; and then give them great meals of beef, and iron, and steel, and they will eat like wolves and fight like devils." ~ Shakespeare, Henry V.

God, we love 'Bama this year.

United States Chief Justice Roberts to Watch Gators Crush Canes

Chief Justice John Roberts will be on hand to watch the Gators win over the 'Canes this Saturday. Roberts will be in Gainesville to judge the University of Florida law school moot court competition.

Mr. Chief Justice will be tailgating with Senator Mel Martinez and Governor Charlie Crist. We do not anticipate that many beers will be chugged.

Too bad, really.

UCF-USF Hate Week: (At Least Some) USF Students are Terrorists

We're pleased to announce that it is once more UCF-USF hate week. As you know (we hope), UCF and USF will be playing for the last time in the foreseeable future. Why? Because USF has a weird arrogance and their President hates the fan base.

In any case, this will be our last opportunity for a good, ol' fashioned UCF-USF hate week. Let's get your blood boiling with some things you may not be aware of, but will now certainly point out to all friends enemies frenimies who go to that commuter school at the ass end of I-4.

Did you know that (at least some) USF students are terrorists? Now you do!

In 2007, two USF students were indicted for transporting explosives and aiding terrorists by demonstrating the use of an explosive device. The two were arrested for having a pipe bomb in the trunk of their car... incidentally, that was near the U.S. Naval Consolidated Brig.

Now, we like to point out that we are absolute bleeding hearts who cherish our civil liberties and believe that people are innocent until proven guilty. However, we also believe, firmly, that there are no burdens of proof on the internet. Just ask this happy and informative feline:

And, in any case, one of the students has agreed to plead guilty to providing material support to terrorists. In addition to the whole "pipe bomb thang," the student distributed a video on the internet (yes, THE INTERNET!) describing how to turn a remote control toy into a detonator for a bomb. As his plea agreement states:

He said he wanted to teach “martyrdoms” and “suiciders” how to save themselves so they could continue to fight the invaders.

We don't know what's more atrocious-- the fact that he sought to facilitate terrorism, or that a USF education leads one to refer to people as "martyrdoms" and "suiciders."

(Hint: it's the first one).

Ladies and gentlemen, the USF student body! Let 'er rip.