The Persistent Fool

How SEC Football has Shaped the Law of Defamation

2009-07-02T16:06:00.002-04:00

We're all aware that the SEC is the best conference in college football.. What you might not realize, is that SEC football has played a critical role in shaping the law of defamation. The SEC is no stranger to controversy, of course-- just ask Nick Saban or SEC controversy king Houston Nutt. With a fan base known for exhaling clouds of whiskey breath and smashing each other in the face with liquor bottles, it should come as no surprise that such controversies can be extremely heated. One such controversy, oddly enough, has been decided at the United States Supreme Court.

It all goes back to the unfortunately named Mr. Butts. Wally Butts was the head coach of the Georgia Bulldogs from 1939 to 1960. In that time, he compiled a record of 140-86-9. With Butts at the helm, the Dawgs were the consensus National Champion in 1942 and had an arguable claim to another National Championship in 1946.

After his many years of coaching, Butts was hired to become Georgia's Athletics Director. While he was in this position, the Saturday Evening Post published an article accusing Butts of conspiring with legendary Alabama coach Bear Bryant to fix the outcome of a game between the Dawgs and Tide. Allegedly, Butts had essentially revealed the playbook to Bryant, resulting in a 35-0 blowout loss for the Dawgs. The article began:

"Not since the Chicago White Sox threw the 1919 World Series has there been a sports story as shocking as this one. This is the story of one fixed game of college football. Before the University of Georgia played the University of Alabama last September 22, Wally Butts, athletic director of Georgia, gave Paul (Bear) Bryant, head coach of Alabama, Georgia's plays, defensive patterns, all the significant secrets Georgia's football team possessed. 'The corrupt here were not professional ballplayers gone wrong, as in the 1919 Black Sox scandal. The corrupt were not disreputable gamblers, as in the scandals continually afflicting college basketball. The corrupt were two men- Butts and Bryant- employed to educate and to guide young men. 'How prevalent is the fixing of college football games? How often do teachers sell out their pupils? We don't know- yet. For now we can only be appalled.- THE EDITORS.'

This was all called to the newspaper's attention by someone who claimed to have overheard, due to "electronic error," the long-distance phone conversation between Butts and Bryant. People who claim to have overheard highly secret and damaging conversations due to "electronic error," of course, among the most reliable sources that one could possibly have.

Butts sued the publisher of the paper for libel. It's safe to assume the trial was very entertaining: both Butts and Bryant testified, emphatically denying fixing the outcome of the game. Interestingly, a number of current and former football players testified as experts, offering their opinion that a football game cannot be fixed without the knowledge or participation of the players. At trial, Butts won a massive judgment: $60,000 in general damages and $3 million in punitive damages.

Ultimately, the appeal reached the United States Supreme Court. In Curtis Publishing Co. v. Butts, the Court discussed what standard of First Amendment protection applied to defamation suits by public figures. In New York Times v. Sullivan, the Court held that in a defamation suit, a public official had to prove actual malice. Actual malice meant knowledge that the defamatory statement was false, or that the defendant acted with reckless disregard for the truth. Curtis Publishing applied the New York Times standard also applied to suits by public figures such as Butts. Butts succeeded in proving actual malice. The Saturday Evening Post collapsed two years later.

Comparison of Trojans and Gators

2009-01-16T13:17:00.003-05:00

Saurian Sagacity has a great article comparing UF and USC over the past three years. These numbers certainly tell an interesting tale for USC worshippers:

2006-2008

Florida

Record: 35-6
Opponents Records: 280-155 (64.37%)
Opponents Records Rank: 1st in NCAA
2 Conference Titles
2 BCS Titles

USC

Record: 34-5
Opponents Records: 195-208 (48.39%)
Opponents Records Rank: 79th in NCAA
3 Conference Titles
No BCS Titles

The Greater The Struggle, The More Glorious The Triumph

2009-01-11T18:13:00.003-05:00

THESE are the times that try mens' souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value.

- Thomas Paine

National Champs.

Despite a tough opponent, despite the worst officiating we have ever seen in person, the Gators pull it out. Two interceptions, two goal line stands, one blocked kick . . . that's toughness.

Tim Tebow is Coming Back!

2009-01-11T15:19:00.003-05:00

That. Is. Awesome.

Wow.

Odds on favorite to win the National Championship next year? You bet.

Culled from the article in the Gainesville Sun, here's everything he actually said:

"Oh and by the way, one more thing, let's do it again. I'm coming back!"

"I just love being here. I love being a Gator. I feel loyal to this place, and I want to stick it out and finish what I started here.

"It was (a tough decision). I prayed about it a long time, talked to a lot of coaches and a lot of people involved with the NFL and Coach Meyer for a long time. It was a tough decision. But I am having so much fun here and I want to enjoy it one more year."

And from Percy Harvin:

"I don't know yet. I'm kind of leaning towards coming back. I haven't made the final decision yet. So I'll sit down with Coach tomorrow and he'll help me make that decision."

Aaaaaannnd from Tebow, re: Harvin and Spikes:

"We'll talk to them a little bit, but I don't want to pressure them. I want them to make the best decision for them and they will."

So.

2008-12-12T15:28:00.002-05:00

Huh.

You're looking well.

We've missed you.

It's just, you know, we've been so busy at work and everything. Life, you know? We've just been slammed. Just one of those months, everything comes at you, right?

Yeah, no, things have calmed down a lot now. Yeah, we're free.

Buy you a drink?

On the Day of Victory

2008-12-06T19:48:00.003-05:00

"On the day of victory, no one is tired." - Arabic proverb.

And We Struck Him Down Until Not A Single Survivor Was Left

2008-11-04T15:42:00.004-05:00

¹ When we headed up the road to Bashan, King Og of Bashan came out against us, he and all his people, for battle at Edrei. ² The Lord said to me, ‘Do not fear him, for I have handed him over to you, along with his people and his land. Do to him as you did to King Sihon of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon.’ ³ So the Lord our God also handed over to us King Og of Bashan and all his people. We struck him down until not a single survivor was left. ⁴ At that time we captured all his towns; there was no citadel that we did not take from them—sixty towns, the whole region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan. ⁵ All these were fortress towns with high walls, double gates, and bars, besides a great many villages. ⁶ And we utterly destroyed them, as we had done to King Sihon of Heshbon, in each city utterly destroying men, women, and children. ⁷ But all the livestock and the plunder of the towns we kept as spoil for ourselves.
- Deuteronomy 3

That's some Biblical fury, right there.

The Persistent Fool is . . . donate your status to the FLORIDA GATORS FOR BCS PREZDENT

2008-11-03T20:50:00.003-05:00

We're a blue state here. Orange and Blue. Perhaps you've heard?

It was amazing to see the Gators absolutely dismantle the 'Dawgs. We actually found this great video metaphor for the game:

Knowshon = Drunk Chick. Guess who The Stall Door represents?

We have no idea either. But we do know: It's great to be a Florida Gator.

So THAT was Interesting.

2008-10-13T20:46:00.004-04:00

Loved seeing the Gators absolutely destroy LSU. Blah blah LSU lines are going to push UF around blah blah. Admittedly, we were among those predicting that LSU would win. But at least we did properly predict that the Gators would smoke the Tigers secrondary. And they did.

We have to give no end of respect to the LSU fans, who stayed in the stands long, long, long after a Gator fan would have retreated in the face of that horrible pummelling. EDSBS recently pointed out a contrast between Tiger and Gator fans:

Your team is down four touchdowns at halftime. How do you react to the GameDay cameras?
A. [sullen stare that could freeze nitrogen while pressing cellphone to ear]
B. “FUUUUCK YEEEEEW WWOOOOOOOOOOOOO TAHGERS GON GITCHA!!!” [shows breasts, regardless of gender]

In fact, we were still disappointed in a few of our fellow Gator fans. Disappointed? Yes. We were violently shushed, by two different UF fans in the student section. In. The. Student. Section. No, we were not swearing. Merely howling loudly when the Gators were on defense. Like, you know, you're suppossed to. We'll definitely cop to being excessively loud in the stands. Like, you know, you're suppossed to.

If you cannot get jacked up about crushing LSU in a night game at the Swamp that was national championship implications than I pity you. You should probably stay home and put tissue boxes on your feet. Seeing a college football game just isn't for you.

GO GATORS, and Go GATOR FANS.

We Happy Few

2008-10-12T02:49:00.004-04:00

WESTMORELAND. O that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work to-day!

KING. What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

LSU 21. Gators, roughly a bajillion.

Worrisome Weekend

2008-10-11T10:53:00.003-04:00

What a worrisome (but exciting) weekend. UF gets LSU at home, and UCF travels to Miami to play the 'Canes. Despite the fact that the professional gamblers favor UF by 4, we're extremely worried that LSU will win. Frankly, they just look like the better team. Then again...their defense has not been what it should be. An anemic Auburn offense hung 21 on LSU in a game LSU edged them out with 5 points. Lowely Mississippi State put up 24 against LSU in a ten point loss. LSU's two other wins? DIV II App State and North Texas, one of the only two winless schools in Div I football.

Meanwhile, UCF seems to have no hope whatsoever. We've seen Miami play live this season, and despite their poor record, they look much better than a UCF team that had to edge out SMU. However, if UM is going to be vulnerable, this is the time. The team and fan are no doubt tropically depressed over two tough home losses. UM fans are notoriously fickle, and are not coming to this game. The team is young, the coaching staff is bad in terms of game day coaching. Also, UM has a ton of injuries, including several starters. UM's loss against FSU has shown that they're vulnerable to a mobile QB-- and I think Greco has better wheels than Ponder. Also, UM's passing game against UCF's secondary is a favorable match-up. Their receiving corps drops a helluva lot of passes. Joe Burnett any body? Sha'reff's also great.

If only UCF were a little bit better, this would be a great opportunity to beat UM and start boasting of being better than (at least) someone in the state. But, we can't control the football, can't complete a pass, can't do much of anything. We beat a DIV II school, and SMU, one of the worst teams in the country.

We'll see. . . but this one is going to go UM's way.

Lassos, Snoop Dog, and an Elf

2008-10-09T18:09:00.005-04:00

WTF, Y'all? A selection of bizarre news for you today.

1. George O'Leary has a plan for slowing down Miami this weekend:

"Lassos. Issue lassos to your team and hope they can get them," [O'Leary] said.

He then went on to say something about playing position defense and maybe, maybe, not sucking this week. We stopped listening after the lassos bit, actually. The depressing thing is that this idea is his best coaching strategem at UCF (narrowly edging out the perennial favorite: run on first down, run on second down, throw an incomplete pass on third down, punt on fourth down).

Incidentally, UM is going to be playing crippled on Saturday, if this list of injuries is any indication.

2. LSU coach Les Miles is down with his own bad self . . . and Snoop:

Snoop Dogg came on stage during a Miles press conference, and the coach busted out a few spontaneous lines from Snoop Dogg songs, including “Sensual Seduction.” “My performance? I think I’m the worst rapper in the history of rap,” Miles said. “My performance is certainly something that was no more than a weak attempt at Snoop’s style of music.”

Urban Meyer's comment when told of this?

“Les is friends with Snoop?” Meyer said. “Good for him.”

3. Elf? But who gets to be the half-naked barbarian babe? Texas Tech coach Mike Leach calls Wide Receiver Eric Morris "The Elf."

"He calls me the evil elf because he has all these different things: elves are small, they're generally pretty mean and they corner well," Morris told the Tech student newspaper the Daily Torreador. "They're good with a dagger -- he goes on and on about how elves have different traits, and he thinks that I fit the traits of an elf. He thinks that I do well with the football in my hands and calls the football my dagger."

This is an image of an evil elf. We know this, because it is what google image search told us. We are unclear on how this evil elf wipes himself. Probably very, very carefully.

UCF Kicker in Weird Position of Playing Team He Was on Last Year

2008-10-08T16:50:00.002-04:00

Well . . . isn't that awkward?

The Orlando Sentinel notes that kicker Daren Daly transferred from UM to UCF and received a waiver in order not miss a year. He is taking graduate courses only offered at UCF. Here's what GOL had to say in the Sentinel blog post:

When I was in preseason when we got a call on that I was surprised what was going on, but the recommendations that came back on him were very good. We just followed up. He had to do all the work. We didn't do any work as far as applying for a hardship.

"I think he is a very mature kid who has his goals set in mind. I was just talking to him last night. He wants to be a GA eventually someplace and eventually get a sports management degree and head off to the NFL in an administrative capacity, so he has his game plan set already as far as what he'd like to do with himself. I think the way the situation worked out, I don't know what happened at Miami. I never really even called there or asked about it. I do know he's a pretty good kicker, and he's healthy now. He kicked for us last week in all the phases and he'll do the same this week."

The Plebeians Speak

2008-10-07T12:30:00.004-04:00

Mike Bianchi's Orlando Sentinel sports blog invites the plebeians to supply reasons why UCF will beat UM on Saturday, because he certainly cannot.

We'll keep our fingers crossed for one of the following (they'll be our only hope):

1. Entire UM team wiped out as the result of gang violence.
2. Mass overdoses whittle away UM squad.
3. Stray meteor destroys UM coaching staff.
4. Massive injuries continue.

Perhaps the best "reason why UCF will beat UM" that a reader supplied?

Mike, UCF only needs two things to win. First, UCF must have a higher score than Miami. Second, Miami must have a lower score. If UCF can accomplish those two things, they are almost guaranteed a win.

Posted by: Recovering UCF Fan | October 07, 2008 at 03:44 PM

We salute you, sir or madam, we salute you.

"Boycott the Sentinal! Go UCF!"

2008-10-04T19:26:00.002-04:00

Our passing game is almost as good as our spelling.Shortly before the UCF-SMU game, fans hired a plane to fly a banner reading, "Boycott the Sentinal! Go UCF!" The proposed boycott is presumably a response to the Orlando Sentinel's harsh coverage of George O'Leary.

You know, this is the sort of spelling-related nonsense we expect from vital-chromosome-lacking USF fans. Ah, well.

Please let us know if you have a picture of this amazing banner.

Knights Win Last Game of Season!

2008-10-04T18:50:00.004-04:00

When you have to survive SMU at home, you know you are not winning any more games this season. Okay, maybe UAB. MAYBE.

Still, we'll take it for the win that it is. Neither of the hand-off artists that we call quarterbacks performed in great fashion, though cheers to Greco for that 54 yard bomb. Jeers to Calabrese. 5 of 9 for 32? Pretty uninspiring, dude.

Looks like Ronnie Weaver will be good when he grows up. Joe Burnett continues to be amazing. Looking forward to seeing this guy on Sundays.

USF Fails to Enjoy Free Mustache Ride

2008-10-03T19:55:00.003-04:00

Dude, you've been Wannst'ached. With a 26-21 at home loss in which USF looked absolutely awful, the Bulls join the ranks of, you know, other Florida teams who flailed horribly at home to inferior opponents.

It's just a law of the universe that that keeps anything from collapsing into chaos: USF will perform well, get cocky, a Florida loss will then enable USF to brag that it's the best team in the state, then USF will get its face stepped on in highly public fashion.

USF looked horrible against a Pitt team that pounded the ball through with running back McCoy. Grothe, the Bull's magic eight ball of a quarterback, came up with "Focus. Try again." The Bulls totally lacked focus, committing roughly one hundred thousand penalties.

Three cheers for USF's impending plummet down the polls!

Focus and ask again, Mr. Grothe. Focus, and ask again.

O'Leary Round-Up

2008-10-02T12:09:00.002-04:00

1. O'Leary? Yes, there are a few issues there, Mike Bianchi. Good article discussing the good and bad (but mostly bad) of King George.

2. It's possible that George also has a few player management problems. There's the howling at a player who subsequently passed out on a leg press machine, ruining Steven Moffett's potential with his rough language, and, some would say, working a player to death. Who knows? At this point he may even be nipple clamping players directly to weight machines.

There's also this, from former UCF-stud-turned-much-bigger-NFL-Stud Brandon Marshall:

"[O'Leary] was a guy that told me on my pro day when I was stretching getting ready to run routes for the scouts that I didn’t have the ability to play receiver in the league because I couldn’t get separation."

Good motivation there, George. Also: good eye for talent.

UCF has a Very Bad Plan

2008-10-01T20:08:00.003-04:00

Oh, look-- "UCF is inviting parents, students, and fans to learn more about its academic programs before the [SMU] game." This is a very bad plan. Or, depending on your perspective, an amazingly hilarious plan.

Nothing like drunk-as-Hell tailgaters mixing with those "academic" types. Beer bong with the Dean?

SMU Worst Rushing Offense in D-1

2008-10-01T11:46:00.001-04:00

BAP. There you go. If UCF can't beat the school with the worst rushing offense, King George should be shot out of a cannon into outer space.

UCF compared to SMU: Just the Facts, Please

2008-09-30T15:03:00.004-04:00

An Orlando Sentinel UCF blog post noted that SMU coach "June Jones says Knights are like SMU . . . Just Trying to find a way to win." We posted a comment saying that when your team is compared to SMU, you know you're in trouble. We drew this response:

I'm sorry, but we are not nearly as bad as SMU. Hopefully this comparison will wake up our team.

Posted by: ucfrocks | September 29, 2008 at 10:11 PM

Of course, it got us thinking...how do we compare? Here you go:

UCF SMU
Record 1-3 (o-1) 1-4 (0-2)
Avg. margin of loss 26.33 27.75
Total Completions 49.1% 54.9%
Total Passing Yards 530 1383
Total Rushing Yards 602 180

Yep. We're both pretty awful. The difference in the average margin of loss is pretty negligible. Apparently, SMU can air it out a little but, but they move the ball on the ground even worse than the Knights do.

And yes, this Saturday, both teams will be trying to beat their first Division 1 opponent of the season. Oh, by the way: UCF is now an ESPN Bottom 10 team. And deservedly so.

An Extremely Serious and Accurate Article About George O'Leary

2008-09-29T18:11:00.006-04:00

September 29, 2008
By D.F. Amation
The Orlampa Slantinel

Early this morning, a torch wielding mob of UCF fans battered down the gates of the foreboding Castle O'Leary, in search of its namesake, that cruel and blotchy-faced lord of the night.

The mob found George O'Leary sitting on a throne made of the bones of former third-stringers. Reportedly, the known drunkard O'Leary was guzzling $500-a-bottle scotch from the empty skull of a Georgia Tech player and torturing endangered animals with his free hand.

The mob asked O'Leary some very cogent, reasonable, and well-thought out questions, which he absolutely refused to answer. O'Leary made a hasty retreat from his castle, possibly by turning into a booze-sweating bat or walrus and flying (or flippering, as the case may be) off.

The angry mob, emulating UCF's defensive backs, could not catch him.

Authorities soon arrived and conducted a search of Castle O'Leary. They discovered a dungeon full of players strapped by their nipples to various pieces of exercise equipment. According to one officer who was on the scene, "It was sort of like a torture chamber, if a torture chamber had more weight machines and chaffed, raw nipples."

As they waited to be loaded on to ambulances, the players shared their views on Coach O'Leary. "I really feel that he's ruined my potential," whined an emaciated Steven Moffett. "The things Coach did to me were just terrible. I was forced to endure coarse language, and sometimes even had to exert myself physically." With chattering teeth, Moffett continued, "I could have been a superstar. I had it in me. Thanks to O'Leary and all of his coarse words, now I play for the AFL 2 Thunderbirds. Coach ruined me."

Matt Prater, who authorities unlocked from a cage made of his own shame, mentioned that he was forced to flagellate himself with barbed wire after each of his many missed kicks.

A more recent player added, "Sometimes, Coach made me use a leg press. How bullshit is that, right?"

No arrests were made in connection with the events at Castle O'Leary. UCF officials stated that the costs of prosecution were too high.

Coach George O'Leary was given the opportunity to respond to this fair and balanced article, as he has been in the in the past. However, when a Slantinel reporter knocked on the coffin in which Coach O'Leary sleeps, the dastard replied that he would make no statement. The Slantinel reporter also thought he heard O'Leary say something about being too busy devouring innocent children and picking his teeth with their bones to respond. This was unable to be independently verified so, what the Hell, we printed it anyway.

Well, This Has Gone Poorly

2008-09-28T14:04:00.004-04:00

Siiiigggghhh. Ole Miss 31, UF 30? Ugh. Clearly, the best team on the field won. We're never sure if that makes a loss more or less disappointing. We couldn't hold on to the ball, couldn't make a big play.

There is some silver lining in that the SEC East remains wide open thanks to Georgia's loss against a murderous 'Bama squad.

But UCF? No silver lining after a Knight of Futility. UTEP hammered UCF 58-13. UTEP? Oh yes-- with this win, they snaped what was the longest current losing streak in the country. When you can't beat UTEP. . . uh, you're probably not going to beat damn near anyone. The Knights' season thus far certainly casts doubt on O'Leary's coaching acumen.

We don't need to make firegeorgeoleary.com yet. But losses like this tell us that George O'Leary has brought the program about as far as he can. To get to the next level, we'll be needing someone else.

Gators 2009 Football Schedule

2008-09-26T20:05:00.002-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, your (tentative) Florida Gators 2009 Football Schedule:

September 5 Charleston Southern, at home.
September 12 Troy, at home.
September 19 Tennessee, at home.
September 26 Kentucky, away.
October 10 LSU, away.
October 17 Arkansas (Homecoming)
October 24 Mississippi State, at home
October 31 World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party
November 7 Vandy, at home.
November 14 South Carolina, away.
November 21 FIU, at home.
November 28 Florida State, at home

Wow, what a fluff schedule. LSU away is always a scary game. Georgia should still be strong next year...

...and...

huh.

Charleston Southern, FIU, Troy? That's, uhm, exhausting. And also FSU has lost its luster in recent years. We're pretty underwhelmed by the out of conference schedule. We much preferred playing a respectable WAC team, Hawaii, and traditional superpower UM.

Trojans Rupture, 'Quizz All Over the Field

2008-09-26T12:43:00.004-04:00

Trojans can't hold back 'Quizz? Beavers snatch victory? Beavers dirty Sanchez? And a slew of other double entendres as well.

The Oregon State Beavers rode freshman Jacquizz Rodgers to victory against the USC Trojans, 27-21. The flaccid Trojan defense gave up 186 yards and two touchdowns to Rodgers in what will no doubt be USC's marquee loss of the season.

This seems to be the usual USC pattern. Destroy your opponents, looking like men among boys, and then flop horribly to a bad team, thereby destroying USC's title hopes. That's right Oregon State, UCLA, Stanford (and Oregon State again)-- we're looking at you.

We're usually of the opinion that Pete Carroll poops rainbows. This time, he and his team pooped a brick. And Oregon State? They apparently pooped on USC:

Trojans can't come from behind.

Were you Aware that George O'Leary is Kind of a Jerk?

2008-09-24T17:57:00.006-04:00

Just in case you were not aware of it, The Orlando Sentinel has published an epic article laying out the many failings of George O'Leary, most obviously his willingness to push players hard. Nope . . . nothing timely about this article. At. All. Unless the fan ire directed at O'Leary after the recent losses suddenly makes "blahblahGeorgeO'Learyisatoomuchofatoughcoachblahblah" timely.

Here's an anecdote from the article about someone with high blood pressure, a leaky heart valve, and vasovagal syncope fainting:

So McNealy, then an 18-year-old redshirt freshman, sat down on the machine, his back angled toward the ground. He recalls O'Leary above him, yelling, "Push the weight! Push the weight!"

McNealy tried -- and then blacked out. The weight crashed down and pushed McNealy's knees into his chest. "I heard guys saying that they saw me turn blue," McNealy said. "They said they heard the air just go out of me."

The next thing McNealy could recall, he was lying down on a bench, and O'Leary was holding his hand, asking McNealy to squeeze his fingers.

Oh, no! That is very much George O'Leary's fault in a very serious way. He should have intuitively known that McNealy had undiagnosed health problems and should never have, you know, instructed a Division I football player to exercise rigorously.

And speaking of undiagnosed health problems, what George O'Leary story would be complete without:

Plancher collapsed and died following a strength-and-conditioning workout on March 18, and Plancher's parents have told state and school officials that they intend to file a wrongful-death suit against the university.

Plancher's death is a horrible, horrible tragedy. But we need to stop pinning it on George O'Leary. If we really want to take the threat of these sudden-football-workout-deaths seriously, then we should beg the NCAA to require that athletes be screened for things like sickle cell trait.

But, look, let's not get bogged down with important things like, "finding solutions that will prevent future, similar tragedies." You see, that would be too prodcutive. Rather, let's dredge up more muck to throw at George O'Leary:

"I had a bad back," [a former Georgia Tech player] told the Sentinel recently. "He put me in the middle of a circle, and he had people just come at me. You know, boom!"

[He] remembers what he was thinking as 10 guys took turns slamming into him: "If that makes you feel better, if you could sleep better at night knowing that you did that, Coach, if that's going to make me a better player, then the hell with it. Bring it on."

Wow, that is a relevant incident to us today! In fact, we're surprised that the Sentinel did not raise the hoary old spectre of Steven-whine!-O'Leary-cursed-at-me-and-ruined-my-potential Moffett. What tremendous restraint.

If you're dissatisfied with George O'Leary, fine. He's got a pretty mediocre record overall, doesn't he? UCF under King George's rule certainly hasn't stunned BCS teams in bowl games like Boise State, has not produced a Heisman contender contender like Hawaii, and certainly has not torn through BCS teams like The Fightin' Latter Day Saints have.

He's not a pleasant guy. He's cantankerous and rude. But these George O'Leary stories have gotten absurd, and loaded with awful implications.

Again, if we want to find solutions to tragedies like Plancher's death, we should have NCAA regulations that require more extensive testing of student athletes. Or, Hell, concerned programs could lead the way and voluntarily do more rigorous testing. In any case, let's not pin it on O'Leary personally. Let's you know, work on solutions instead.

To leave you with another perspective (look! we are both fair and balanced!), here's an anonymous comment from a post we made about O'Leary's rough style:

Hell of a point of view. . . Is it strange to you that players like Walker and Marshall who were great athletes at UCF dont come back to watch bowl games or championship games? Probably because even though they were incredible athletes they recognize they had a prick for a coach and dont want to come back. Yeah, football is about yelling but for a major university shouldnt it also be about creating relationships with the student athletes that come in and out of the program every year? I think it is.

Mull it over, y'all, mull it over.

Another Perspective on UCF/BC Fandom

2008-09-23T18:10:00.004-04:00

The Central Florida Future has an adorable little article about how UCf fans should emulate BC fans. We humbly submit that we would hurl ourselves down the steps of The Dungeon if this were the case. We don't want to see a return to the days when UCF fans sat limp-wristed and confused in the Citrus Bowl, do we?

That being said, UCF fans could use with being a little less awful to other fans. We need to emulate the noble gorilla: we can all bang on our chests about who the alpha ape is, but at the end of the day, we should still be able to sit down and eat bananas together.

Idaho? No-- u da Ho.

2008-09-23T15:22:00.007-04:00

Look, it's almost funny if you read it aloud.

At any rate, Idaho Vandals cheerleaders now have to change their uniforms which are evidently far, far too sexy for people from that miserable state. An example of the sexiness that must absolutely be stopped:

Wow, that's, uh . . . well. Two pieces and a weird little vest thing sometimes. That's clearly far too titillating for Idahoan sensibilities. A pity, too, since the Idaho Vandals are one of the worst teams in college football. Certainly, no one is watching the team. I guess that's how folks came to be deeply emotionally distressed and distraught about the uniforms:

"A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," said Bruce Pitman, dean of students. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them."

Jesus. And it's not just the fault of these overly-garment-fixated fans:

"Girls are just bigger these days, not everybody's a size zero," [a cheerleading advisor] said. "We're not being a bunch of prudes."

This is actually the second uniform change of the year for the Vandals cheerleaders. Earlier, officials remove the "UI" logo which was on the rear of the pants.

If BC Fans Ran the Country, We Would Lose the War on Terror

2008-09-22T17:26:00.006-04:00

We recently arrived home from a wonderful trip to Boston. After taking in some extremely serious meetings on Friday, we ~~enjoyed~~ did not weep openly at the BC-UCF game. Observations:

1. BC Fans are Unsure of What to Do at a Football Game. No cursing, threatening, shouting, cheering, clapping of hands or stamping of feet. Indeed, we are fairly certain that BC fans lack the tendons needed to stand. The SEC, this was not. Hell, the C-USA, this was not. By comparison . . .

2. Six UCF Fans are Louder than an Entire Section of BC Fans. We are very proud of our fellow UCF fans. We used to complain loudly, bitterly, and often that UCF fans were insufficiently passionate about their team. Consider the complaints withdrawn. UCF fans are rowdier by far than the meek and feeble BC fans.

3. But that guy Brad was pretty cool. We did have one of the most pleasant half time conversations with Brad, the only BC fan in earshot who cheered like someone at a football game. And UCF was even leading at the time! If this were an SEC game he would have preemptively smashed us in the face with a whiskey bottle and dragged us out to his mobile home/ meth lab/ redneck torture chamber.

Northeast liberals just don't understand preemption.

4. A plague on all of your kickers. Even the BC fans were not as awful as the kickers from both teams. Seriously, y'all are very bad at football. Two kicks bounce off the posts? Ridiculous short misses. Unacceptable. What is wrong with the kickers? What could make them so profoundly, profoundly terrible?

Oh. Well, it all makes sense, then.

5. We sorely miss 24K and his amateur status. How is that whole "going pro early" thing working out for you, anyway? Pretty mediocre you say?

6. What a Disheartening Season this will be. When you get schooled by a team playing as turnover-tastic as BC, you know it's going to be a long, long season. We only have one BCS school left to try and upset and that is not going to happen. We saw Miami play, and they are going to reduce the Knights to a bloody smear when the teams meet in October.

Oh You Dirty, Dirty, Boy

2008-09-16T15:56:00.002-04:00

Media types calling George O'Leary got connected to a phone sex line. Presumably not on purpose.

Apparently, the UCF athletics communications director screwed up one digit on a conference call. The phone was answered:

"Hello, sexy. You've reached the one-on-one fantasy line."

What is our fantasy? Mmmm...UCF in the Big East, playing and beating USF every year.

Don't think O'Leary can provide that one.

We Can Win If They Stay Crippled . . .

2008-09-16T15:19:00.002-04:00

. . . and that's always a cheery thought. UCF needs to hope that a physically imposing BC team remains sufficiently injury-hampered for the Knights to win on Saturday. BC defensive end Alex Albright is out for the year with some sort of disc problem. Several other BC players got banged up in their feeble loss to Georgia Tech two weeks ago, but are likely to play.

Meanwhile, UCF Wide Receiver Kamar Aiken is likely out.

Keep your fingers crossed, because this is the Knights' only decent chance to beat a team from a BCS conference this year. We've seen Miami play and, damn, will they turn UCF into a bloody smear.

All Hell, Boil Over!

2008-09-14T18:53:00.005-04:00

"God is in the still small voice. In all these affidavits, indictments, it is all of the devil--all corruption. Come on! ye prosecutors! ye false swearers! All hell, boil over! Ye burning mountains, roll down your lava! for I will come out on the top at last. I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only man that has ever been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter, nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him; but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet . . . " - Joseph Smith

Uhm. 59-0 is a good score. The Fightin' LDSes are fantastic. . . this is our pick to BCS bust!

Ramblin'

2008-09-14T18:05:00.004-04:00

1. Bullshit. We our denied our opportunity to gloat this Friday when USF escaped Kansas at the end of the game. We assumed that Mark Mangino would be hungry for beef, but apparently not hungry enough. We're very distressed about the very real possibility that USF will tear through the Big East undefeated. Sweet, sweet, schadenfreude denied...

2. ...kind of. Because at least we got to watch USC thrash Ohio State into utter submission. We wonder how long it takes before the voters and talking heads finally understand that they vastly, vastly overrate OSU. Can't beat Florida, can't beat LSU, sure as Hell cannot beat USC.

3. Uh, Georgia not as good as advertised. Thank God.

4. We go to Boston this weekend. We'll be attending the annual meeting of a certain nonprofit organization we're a little bit enthusiastic about on Friday. On Saturday, we plan to squeeze in the UCF-BC game. Also: gorging ourselves on clam chowder. Or chowdah. Whatever.

Should be exciting since this is, you know, UCF's only reasonable chance this year to beat a "name" team. Having seen UM play this year, we're aware that they will stick a shiv into the Knights. Multiple, multiple times. And of course, that whole USF thing didn't work out too well...as usual. But at least BC is craptacular, as its performance against Georgia Tech indicates.

Mmm. Chowdah!

Fewer Arrests at UCF-USF than UF-UM

2008-09-12T14:19:00.002-04:00

The Orlando Sentinel announces that there were fewer arrests UCF-USF game at the UF-UM game.

As if that were a good thing. When will people realize that we will not get the respect we deserve as a football school until there are more arrests at our game? At UCF there were 5 custodial arrests and 31 notices to appear (non-custodial arrests). UF police arrested 50 people.

We were saddened initially, until we realized this:

Attendance at the UCF game was about half that at the UF game. So proportionately, UCF may actually have had MORE arrests....

The UF statistic of 50 arrests does not specify whether notices to appear (non-custodial arrests) were counted separately (as UCF counted them) or incorporated into the "50 arrests" figure. If they were incorporated...then the UCF game DID in fact have a higher proportion of arrest-per-game-attendee!

Our quest for football school legitimacy continues!

USF's Leavitt Talks Trash About UCF Filling Stadium, Lacks Stadium of Own

2008-09-11T12:48:00.005-04:00

USF Coach Jim Leavitt says, of the fact that USF's game against Kansas is not expected to sell out:

"Fifty-two thousand isn't bad," Leavitt said. "It's more than they got at Central Florida, right? By a bunch. And that's a sellout over there, right? I'm not making comparisons, and I probably shouldn't have said those things about them the other day. I'm not taking any of it back, but I mean, they have a good program. George (O'Leary) does a good job there."

This is sort of like us insulting Hugh Heffner for having insufficient numbers of bikini women in his grotto. We, of course, lack a grotto of our own (to say nothing of our wont of bikini women). Why would we cast aspersions on another man's grotto given such a condition?

Dear Jim: You do not have a stadium, so don't complain about how many people we cram into ours.

But wait! They play in Raymond James! News flash: it says "Buccaneers" in the end zone and has a god damn pirate ship. A god damn pirate ship. So that doesn't count.

And listen genius...The Dungeon has 45,301 seats. If it had more, believe me, we would will them for key games, too.

A Sling and a Stone

2008-09-07T17:03:00.004-04:00

And the Philistine said to unto David: 'Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves?' And the Philistine cursed David by His god.

And the Philistine said to David: 'Come to me, and I will give they flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the fields.'

Then David said to the Philistine: 'Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a javelin; but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast taunted;

This day will the Lord deliver thee into my hand; and I will smite thee; and take they head off thee; and I will give the caracasses of the hosts of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel;

and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear; for the battle is the LORD'S, and He will give you into our hand.'

And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.

And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slung it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead; and the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell upon his face to the earth.

So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

And David ran, and stood over the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw that their mighty man was dead, they fled.

-- 1 Samuel Chapter 17

See you in 2013

2008-09-07T16:41:00.002-04:00

Gators 26, 'Canes 3.

Well, that was not as easy as it should have been.

We had a great time seeing a bitter rivalry renewed, and finally getting that damn UM monkey of our collective backs.

Miami should be proud of a ferociously physical team that will mature and be amazing. We'd like to get this one on the record: in a soft ACC with an incredibly favorable conference schedule, Miami is our pick for ACC Champion. You can begin chuckling now, but we feel it in our bones.

We were thrilled to see a huge Gator crowd, but disappointed to see so very few Miami fans.

See more of you in 2013, when the teams meet again.

UCF Potpurri

2008-09-04T16:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, we said "potpurri." Shut up.

1. Today, ESPN notes the premature death of the UCF-USF rivalry. Have no fear, ESPN. It's merely cryogenically frozen. It will be revived some day when, God willing, the Knights have an offense.

Erm. And a defense.

Some choice quotes:
South Florida players took exception to some comments made by Central Florida before last year's game, including UCF coach George O'Leary asking about the Bulls, "What league are they in -- the Big East?"

After last year's blowout win, Bulls quarterback Matt Grothe said, "I hope they like what happened because we weren't trying to run the score up on them. We're that much better than them."

2. Oh, by the way, the USF defense looks amazing. Against the Knight's flailing offense, they'll have us suffocated like . . . a thing that gets suffocated. Profoundly and severely.

See? Who says we don't give credit where credit is due?

3. And someone named Daunte Culpepper retired from the NFL after spending a number of years puttering about, being generally useless.

UCF-USF Hate Week: ...And USF had a Terrorist Professor, as Well

2008-09-04T16:27:00.002-04:00

As if you weren't already enjoying trash-talking USF fans by calling their students terrorists, we'd like to note that one of their (now former, but current at the time) professors is a terrorist.

USF Professor Sami Al-Arian was arrested in 2003 on charges of funding terrorists. He was tried in 2005, and was acquitted of some of the charges, though the jury deadlocked on the nine other charges. Ultimately, Al-Arian pled guilty to conspiracy to provide services to the Palestinian Islamnic Jihad. AL-Arian served prison time and was deported.

Al-Arian taught computer science at USF. He was also the Director of the World and Islam Studies Enterprise, a USF-associated think tank.

UCF: Win on Saturday. Don't let the terrorists win!

Beef and Iron and Steel

2008-09-04T16:16:00.006-04:00

"The men do sympathize with mastiffs, in robustious and rough coming on, leaving their wits with their wives; and then give them great meals of beef, and iron, and steel, and they will eat like wolves and fight like devils." ~ Shakespeare, Henry V.

God, we love 'Bama this year.

United States Chief Justice Roberts to Watch Gators Crush Canes

2008-09-03T16:47:00.002-04:00

Chief Justice John Roberts will be on hand to watch the Gators win over the 'Canes this Saturday. Roberts will be in Gainesville to judge the University of Florida law school moot court competition.

Mr. Chief Justice will be tailgating with Senator Mel Martinez and Governor Charlie Crist. We do not anticipate that many beers will be chugged.

Too bad, really.

UCF-USF Hate Week: (At Least Some) USF Students are Terrorists

2008-09-03T16:03:00.008-04:00

We're pleased to announce that it is once more UCF-USF hate week. As you know (we hope), UCF and USF will be playing for the last time in the foreseeable future. Why? Because USF has a weird arrogance and their President hates the fan base.

In any case, this will be our last opportunity for a good, ol' fashioned UCF-USF hate week. Let's get your blood boiling with some things you may not be aware of, but will now certainly point out to all ~~friends~~ ~~enemies~~ frenimies who go to that commuter school at the ass end of I-4.

Did you know that (at least some) USF students are terrorists? Now you do!

In 2007, two USF students were indicted for transporting explosives and aiding terrorists by demonstrating the use of an explosive device. The two were arrested for having a pipe bomb in the trunk of their car... incidentally, that was near the U.S. Naval Consolidated Brig.

Now, we like to point out that we are absolute bleeding hearts who cherish our civil liberties and believe that people are innocent until proven guilty. However, we also believe, firmly, that there are no burdens of proof on the internet. Just ask this happy and informative feline:

And, in any case, one of the students has agreed to plead guilty to providing material support to terrorists. In addition to the whole "pipe bomb thang," the student distributed a video on the internet (yes, THE INTERNET!) describing how to turn a remote control toy into a detonator for a bomb. As his plea agreement states:

He said he wanted to teach “martyrdoms” and “suiciders” how to save themselves so they could continue to fight the invaders.

We don't know what's more atrocious-- the fact that he sought to facilitate terrorism, or that a USF education leads one to refer to people as "martyrdoms" and "suiciders."

(Hint: it's the first one).

Ladies and gentlemen, the USF student body! Let 'er rip.

Melikalikimaka is Hawaii's Way to Say Merry Christmas to You

2008-08-31T10:34:00.003-04:00

Thanks Hawaii. That was easy. It may have not been stunning to beat Hawaii 56-10, but it did make us very happy:

1. Tim Tebow didn't have to do very much. Thank God. Tebow was 9 of 14 for 137 yards and one touchdown. It's a nice change from when Tebow had to put every game on his back and carry it. Tebow was still in the game longer than necessary, but at least Urban was not afraid to yank him out and put in Cam Newton when it was time to ram it in like a gentleman.

2. People with names other than Tebow can run with the ball. Brandon James returned a punt 74 yards for a touchdown. Rainey and Demps, who warps time and space, took off on 33 yard and 62 yard touchdown runs, respectively.

3. I can has a secondary? Yes, ask Ahmad Black about that. Black intercepted two passes, returning one for a touchdown. The awesomely named Major Wright and Jacques Rickerson also picked off two passes. Wright returned his for a touchdown as well.

We'll be eager to see how the Gators fare against a real team.

UCF Football Player Ricky Kay Arrested

2008-06-30T19:35:00.002-04:00

UCF walk-on Ricky Kay was arrested after, of course, driving back to campus from the club. At the campus parking garage, he managed to both run over a stop sign and break a pressure gauge attached to a fire sprinkler.

Kay's been charged with misdemeanor destruction of property and "preventing or hindering firefighter equipment." Quite possibly, the wussiest felony ever.

Chris Leak signs with the CFL's Hamilton Tiger-Cats

2008-06-04T21:39:00.002-04:00

You knew this was coming.

“We consider Chris to be a great CFL quarterback prospect,” said Hamilton general manager Bob O’ Billovich.

Fuckin' ouch. Yeah, Leak is considered a great CFL quarterback prospect. Just what any aspiring player wants to hear. Oh, Chris Leak...we had such high hopes for you after that AAFL Post-Draft Party.

We're only kidding.

We never had high hopes.

Something Happened While We Weren't at the Keyboard!

2008-06-04T21:33:00.002-04:00

UF grabbed two more recruits for next year: Mike Gillislee and Nu'Keese Richardson.

Gillislee chose Florida over offers from Michigan, Auburn, Da U, The Fightin' Zooks, NC State, Notre Dame, Clemson, South Carolina, and others.

Nu'Keese Richardson committed to UF over offers from Georgia, Michigan, and both USCs. Nu'Keese, we welcome you and your first name.

...

2008-05-28T21:44:00.001-04:00

...Oh, look. College Football News has things to say about UF.

Hmph. Back to the off-season doldrums...go read about Joakim Noah's pot arrest or something.

Preston Parker Missing...Two Games?

2008-05-23T21:11:00.002-04:00

Yes, FSU's Preston Parker is missing a whooping two games. Why? Oh, yeah, some thing that involved cannabis and a .45. Parker pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors arising out of that incident.

That...is some incredibly lax punishment for what started out as a felony and a misdemeanor.

BLAM! BLAM!

2008-05-12T23:12:00.003-04:00

Because guns and college football players go together so, like, awesomely:

UCF Cornerback Johnell Neal got shot with an assault rifle. Said the Baton Rouge police department:

"Suspects were apparently hiding beside [his family's] house and waiting for the right opportunity to shoot him while he was standing in front of the house."

UF's early enrollee Matt Patchan also got popped. He was shot in the shoulder at a park in Brandon. He's expected to recover in three weeks. Of course, a lot of UM fans threatened to kill him after he committed to UF instead of UM...this probably, definitely, has definitely nothing to do with those maniacs.

Peace Out, Hornsby

2008-05-11T20:40:00.001-04:00

See you later. It takes a truly special kind of jackass to fraudulently use a dead woman's credit card for months.

Post-Draft Mash-Up

2008-04-28T14:53:00.008-04:00

We wanted to gather some of our post-draft thoughts in one place. There were obvious stories, and then there were little nuggets of information too interesting to be left out, and too unimportant to justify their own posts:

1) DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER WAS A CRACK ADDICT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND? CRACK ADDICT! CRACK ADDICTS SMOKE CRACK, WHICH IS WHAT DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER DID, MAKING HER A CRACK ADDICT. Thank you, thank you for that, ESPN. If you hadn't reminded us every three minutes that Darren McFadden's mother was a crack addict, we might have never remembered. Now, we very sure of this fact. Very, very sure! After all, we heard it dozens and dozens of time during your broadcast! We now feel comfortable approaching strangers on the street to have discussions about the all-important fact that Darren McFadden's mother was a crack addict. Granted, when I close my eyes, I have visions of Darren McFadden's mother inhaling crack smoke out of an apple. Price you pay, I guess! Thanks ESPN!

2) Kevin Smith went in the 3rd round. HE IS NOT A CRACK ADDICT. DON'T CONFUSE HIM WITH DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER WHO IS A CRACK ADDICT. The third C-USA running back taken, Smith should get a lot of carries early on for the Lions. We predict a short but fruitful NFL career before the hits wear him out/break him down. This guy is going to get more carries then...uh...something that carries quite a lot.

2.5) Josh Sitton of the Knights went dead last in the 4th round. To Green Bay. Wow. Geez. Not a lot to say about that, other than whenever we mention Green Bay and UCF in the same sentence, it makes us nostalgic for Atari Bigby's hair.

No, this post isn't really about you at all. But when else do we get to shoehorn in a reference to our favorite player whose name is the Japanese word for "attack?"

Quatro) Oh, some Gator boys were picked, too. Derrick Harvey went to the Jaguars as the result of a surprising trade up. Andre "Bubba" Caldwell got snagged by Cincinnati. Tony Joiner (of "breaking-into-a-tow-lot-to-steal-back-a-car") fame was signed as a free agent. Carlton Medder and Drew Miller were also signed as free agents.

<*) Miami's going streaking! 14th year in a row! Everybody to the Quad. UM, like Will Ferrell, is still streaking. But just barely.

%) GGGGGEEEEE-NOOOOOO. FSU's Geno Hayes went in the sixth round. Uh, wow! This is of course the same guy who said he was going to "end" Tim Tebow, shortly before UF clobbered FSU 45-12. He made one tackle the entire game, and pushed an elderly journalist after it. Oh, he also had to be tasered outside a Tallahassee club one time. Drafted in the sixth round? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, as far as we're concerned. Oh yeah, FSU Players fared pretty badly in the draft overall.

3+2+1) Mmm...Sweet Schadenfreude. One of our least favorite players, Colt Brennan, was taken in round six at pick number 186. Astute readers (Hell, we guess you don't really need to be astute to pick up on this) know that we hate/love-to-hate Colt Brennan: we gloated when he failed miserably at the Senior Bowl, and we watched gleefully as his poor performance in the Sugar Bowl got Don Ho kicked out of Heaven. We normally like felonious football players-- it's fun as Hell to write about them-- but this guy's felony convictions arose out of an incident in which he entered the room of a female student at Colorado and "exposed himself and fondled her." Yeah, yeah. We know the court vacated the unlawful sexual contact conviction (though the felony burglary and trespassing convictions stuck)--- But guess what? There are no burdens of proof on the internet!

Anyway, buried in the sixth round is a fine place for this guy. Unlike DARREN MCFADDEN'S MOTHER, COLT BRENNAN IS NOT A CRACK ADDICT. Or, at least, so we think.

...or so this adorable cat informed me.

Andre Caldwell Goes!

2008-04-27T12:47:00.004-04:00

...eventually. Wide Receiver Caldwell goes to the Cincinnati Bengals with the 97th overall pick.

Here's what College Football News had to say:

Cincinnati Andre Caldwell, WR Florida
One of the toughest calls among the receivers, Bubba has good size, phenomenal speed, and was a dynamic playmaker at times throughout his record-setting Florida career. How much are scouts scared off by the broken leg suffered a few years ago? He might not have the elite skills to blossom into a star of any sort, but he's tough, isn't going to worry about taking a hit, and he can flat-out move either on deep balls or on short routes to rack up big yards after the catch.

Good for you, Bubba. Hey, remember this:

24K Goes as the First 3rd Round Pick (64th Overall)

2008-04-27T10:23:00.006-04:00

The Detroit Lions sent a sixth round draft pick to Miami for the privilege of moving up two spots to draft Kevin Smith. 24k is the first pick of the third round, and the 64th overall. Readers will no doubt remember that after many, many, many assurances that he would not turn pro, Smith reversed position.

Not only was 24k not drafted in the first or second round, he was also the third C-USA running back picked. East Carolina's Chris Johnson went to Tennessee at number 24 overall. Chicago drafted Matt Forte of Tulane in the second round.

Regardless of the self-esteem hit of not being the first or second C-USA running back drafted, the Lions seem to be an excellent fit for 24k. The Lions have no running game to speak of, and will ~~give Kevin Smith carries until he collapses~~ give Kevin Smith plenty of opportunities to prove himself. They’ll appreciate his ~~complete willingness to sacrifice his body~~ hard-nosed work ethic.

Some collected perspectives on the 24k pick by those who are far more informed than we are:

ESPN:

1(64)	Detroit (From Miami)	Kevin Smith	RB	CENTRAL FLORIDA
	Smith can dance in the backfield too much and he's a little bit of an upright runner, so he takes some big hits. However, he does an excellent job of reading his blocks and shows good burst in the hole. He also has good vision and enough lateral mobility to make defenses pay for overpursuing.

College Football News:

Detroit (from Miami) Kevin Smith, RB UCF
Would Smith be considered a first rounder if he was Kevin Smith, Florida instead of Kevin Smith, UCF? While his competition will be questioned, playing in Conference USA, he produced against everyone including NC State (217 yards and two touchdowns), Texas (149 yards and two touchdowns), and Mississippi State (119 yards, but on 35 carries). George O'Leary and the Knights weren't afraid to overuse their star getting him a whopping 450 carries and 24 catches last season, and he cranked out 2,567 rushing yards and 29 touchdowns despite having all 11 defenders and the waterboy focused on stopping him. He's a producer, but he'll have a short shelf life if he's asked to be a No. 1 back.

From Sports Illustrated:

Let me get this straight: the Lions traded two picks to Miami to select Central Florida running back Kevin Smith with the first selection of the draft's second day, No. 64 overall? I think I'm beginning to understand the draft strategy in Detroit. Whenever possible, you take the best available generically named running back -- providing his first name is Kevin.

The Lions cut injury-prone veteran running back Kevin Jones (first round, 2004) earlier this offseason and just replaced him with Kevin Smith. What, was Kevin Doe draft ineligible?

But seriously, not a bad recovery by the Lions after passing on Illinois running back Rashard Mendenhall with their No. 15 first-round pick on Saturday. Smith, of course, led the nation in rushing last year for UCF, and listening to him at the scouting combine in February, he clearly has a chip on his shoulder with something to prove to the teams that classified him a second-day pick. Detroit seems satisfied to go to work with a backfield tandem of Tatum Bell and Smith.

We'll update this post with other perspectives as they come out.

Good luck 24K, and thanks for carrying our entire offense last year. Let's send you off with, say, a highlight video of everyone of the 41 carries you had against UAB:

Jacksonville Jaguars Draft Gators DE Derrick Harvey #8

2008-04-26T16:04:00.002-04:00

Hey, look at that: a Gator goes at number 8. Harvey will join former teammate Reggie F'n Nelson, whom the Jacksonville Jaguars snapped up last year. You may remember Harvey from last year's BCS Title Game, in which he made Troy Smith weep tears of blood. And look: highlights from this year!

UCF Players Meeting with University Attorneys About Plancher's Death

2008-04-26T10:47:00.002-04:00

UCF players are now meeting with University Attorneys as part of the continuing investigation into Erek Plancher's death.

We expect the Orlando Sentinel to soon begin reporting that University Torture Experts are waterboarding the UCF players, shocking them with alligator clips connected to car batteries, tearing their fingernails out with rusty pliers, giving them the ol' dutch oven, and probably even directing mean spirited [expletives] at them.

We'll be waiting with bated breath for that forthcoming expose.

Because it's the Offseason, and There's Nothing to Write About Until the Draft Starts...

2008-04-25T21:25:00.002-04:00

...how about a mascot fight?

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Doing The People's Work

2008-04-24T20:21:00.007-04:00

The Florida Legislature is doing the people's work. In what was no doubt an excellent use of government resources, the Florida State Senate awarded Tim Tebow the Medallion of Excellence for his off field achievements. Off field achievements? Why, yes:

Tebow, who was home-schooled for 12 years before college, has a 3.77 grade point average at Florida. He spent his spring break visiting orphans and sick children in the Philippines, where his parents are missionaries.

What, no mentions of the many surgeries he performed there? No mention that Tim Tebow can in fact believe it's not butter? Well, regardless, that sweet GPA and 10 days of volunteerism certainly qualifies Tebow to receive "the highest citizens honor the Senate can bestow."

The Florida House of Representations also honored Tebow with a resolution. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you the full text of HR 9177, Timothy "Tim" Tebow:

Commends Tim Tebow for his academic & athletic accomplishments, recognizes him for his character & compassion toward his fellow human beings, & congratulates him on his historic recognition in being awarded 2007 Heisman Trophy.

After receiving this honor, Tebow "threw several passes to Speaker Marco Rubio, R-West Miami." What is it with Speaker Rubio? This guy has must have the most achingly unfulfilled football fantasies. Astute football/state politics enthusiasts (all three of you) will recall two years ago when Rubio bobbled a pass from Dan Marino on the House floor. Again, we're sure there was a valid legislative purpose underlying that as well.

This is probably the most important legislative event since Hoopz from Flava of Love came to the state Capitol. Yes, we were there. Jesus, the legislators were more excited for that than they were for Newt Gingrich's visit a week or so later.

Not that we blame them, really.

At the risk of getting bogged down in further editorializing, we give you The People's Work:

Tim Tebow's tears can fix Florida's homeowner's insurance crisis. Too bad he's never cried.

Foolishness

2008-04-23T18:19:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week, FSU's Preston Parker was arrested for possession of marijuana (4.81 grams) and for carrying a concealed weapon (a .45). Ballin'. For those not aware, Parker's probably FSU's best offensive player. He appears to be working on becoming the 'Noles most criminally-offensive player as well.

Oh, that also means he's going to get charged with petty theft stemming from an earlier incident. Parker had been sent to pre-trial diversion and, had he completed it successfully, the theft charges would have been dropped. He had not yet satisfied the terms of the diversion program- though Parker had completed the educational component and done the required community service, he didn't actually pay $200 in court costs. Oops. Now that case gets kicked out of the diversion program and back on to the court's docket.

We've noticed that news outlets seem confused about whether the concealed weapon will be charged as a felony. Lawya, please! Of course it will be charged as a felony:

Fla. Stat. 790.01, Carrying Concealed Weapons
...
(2) A person who carries a concealed firearm on or about his or her person commits a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.
...

You get the misdemeanor charge for concealed weapons other than firearms.

Not a felony.

Felony.
(We good now?)

But we didn't want to just rag on poor felonious Preston Parker. We also wanted to point out that our emergent Gator stand-out Chris Rainey is also foolish as Hell (though not criminally):

[H]e asked to visit Meyer's house one Sunday last summer for what Meyer expected to be a serious chat (Did Rainey want out?). Turns out he just wanted to hang out with Meyer's pre-teen son Nate. "He's watching 'Ice Age' with my 9-year-old," Meyer said. "They're on the same wavelength."

Dude...what?

Incredibly Premature Predictions: UM Edition

2008-04-22T16:30:00.002-04:00

The inimitable Sunday Morning Quarterback presents its assessment of Miami. You know, those guys whose team is wind...or water...or both, really. SMQ predicts a thorough beating at the hands of the Gators, a split of the VT and FSU games, and a winning conference record...or maybe just going 4-8.

On a more optimistic note, College Football News predicts a realistic record of 8-4. CFN says the Canes will be helped by a fortuitous schedule. Stuff orange and green people like? How about not having to play Clemson and BC, and getting VT and FSU at home.

And yes, we do believe UM will ~~shiv in the gut~~ thoroughly beat the Knights in Miami. Thank you, 24k, you and your bags and bags of NFL dollars.

More Knights Games to Be Televised

2008-04-20T10:56:00.002-04:00

2008 UCF Football National Broadcast Schedule
Sept. 6 USF ESPN2 7 p.m.
Sept. 27 UTEP CBS C 8 p.m.
Oct. 4 SMU CBS C 3:30 p.m.
Oct. 26 at Tulsa ESPN 8 p.m.
Nov. 2 East Carolina ESPN 8 p.m.

That's what we're talkin' about. We definitely love those Sunday night C-USA games. Even better, the Knights should win 4 of the 5 televised games. The Bulls will hammer us. Tulsa looks good but...meh. We'll take 3 of those televised games at worst.

You Need to Read One More Spring Practice Summary About The Gators

2008-04-20T10:53:00.001-04:00

...and this is it.

Cam Newton Isn't Terrible...He Just Looks That Way With a Lot of Help

2008-04-18T21:05:00.003-04:00

...Or so says Orange and Blue Hue. Check out the link for a good analysis of why Cam Newton is not as bad as the Orange and Blue Game made him look, and why John Brantley Jr. isn't necessarily our quarterback of the future.

We, for one, concur. We'll be looking forward to seeing him take more snaps.

A Blast From the Past: Sport's Illustrated's Indictment of UM Football

2008-04-17T10:33:00.006-04:00

From SI.com, a blast from the past: the June 12, 1995 article "Broken Beyond Repair: An Open Letter to the President of Miami Urging Him to Dismantle His Vaunted Football Program to Salvage His School's Reputation."

Now breath, because that's quite a title. The article lays out concisely the many crimes of UM football. Among others:

During the past decade your school enrolled and suited up at least one player who had scored a 200 on his verbal SAT—the number you get for spelling your name correctly. An on-campus disturbance, involving some 40 members of the football team, required 14 squad cars and a police dog to quell. Fifty-seven players were implicated in a financial-aid scandal that the feds call "perhaps the largest centralized fraud upon the federal Pell Grant program ever committed." And among numerous cases of improper payments to players from agents was one in which the nondelivery of a promised installment led a Hurricane player to barge into an agent's office and put a gun to his head.

And perhaps our favorite:
"[T]he 1986 episode in which your mascot pointed a toy machine gun at a visiting team just before a game."

Read it and understand why this more recent screw-up wasn't really that much of a big deal:

Spring Thoughts About The Knights

2008-04-16T21:51:00.002-04:00

From the Orlando Sentinel UCF blog: content! For those interested in the insights of someone who actually watched the Knights practice this spring (unlike us) check out the now-much-reviled Kyle Hightower's analysis.

The Sentinel reports that Joe Weatherford may have eclipsed Greco as our best prospect for quarterback. Hooray- another immobile quarterback. Just what we needed.

Also- shocking! There may be a hole at running back.

In any case, there are some good non-obvious comments in there along with the now-obligatory digression in the comments: Boo O'Leary/ Yay O'Leary. Check it out.

Amazing Comments #3

2008-04-16T14:47:00.004-04:00

Finally, something self-deprecating. Our previous 'Amazing Comments' posts have all taken aim at fans of Da U, who always astonish us when they manage to figure out how to use a keyboard.

This Amazing Comment is literate, and cuts to a UCF fan to the quick. It's a comment on the oh-so obvious Orlando Sentinel article, "UCF Football Player's Death Could Also Affect Team on Field:"

WOW, USF had a player die last year. After reading this article I now know that had that player not passed away at USF last year the score at the UCF USF game might have been 164 to 12.

Zing! Well done sir. Credit where credit is due.

UCF Lineman Cliff McCray Leaves Team

2008-04-15T01:02:00.003-04:00

Cliff McCray, UCF Lineman and former roommate of Erek Plancher, has quit the team, according to the Orlando Sentinel.

Nothing too funny about that, we're afraid.

We Learned Something New Today!

2008-04-14T16:30:00.003-04:00

Today, we learned that when he was in college, Dubya Bush was arrested for trying to tear down a field goal post after a football game. After Yale beat Princeton at Princeton,

Bush and his friends charged the field and tried to knock down the goal posts. Police caught the boy trying to tear apart the goal posts to take a chunk home as a souvenir.

Whew. IVY LEAGUE FOOTBALL! Get excited y'all. I know that I'd never be able to contain myself

Apparently, this incident will appear in Oliver Stone's forthcoming film about the life of Dubya.

Future President? Seems unlikely, actually.

Gator's Rainey Warps Space

2008-04-14T14:04:00.002-04:00

Let it be known: Percy Harvin may warp the fabric of time, but, brothah, Rainey warps space:

Some Cheese for Moffett's Whine?

2008-04-12T23:34:00.007-04:00

What pairs well with the crushing disillusionment of realizing you suck at football? Why, complaints that your football coach cursed at you!

The Orlando Sentinel has published an article setting forth former Knights QB Steven Moffet's complaints against Coach George O'Leary. Apparently, this football coach cursed at an underperforming player! Oh, no! Someone speak to the press...a year after the fact! What does Moffett say O'Leary yelled at him? Here we go:

"[O'Leary] said I was worth [expletive] . . ."
"You stupid [expletive] idiot."

Oh, no! Mr. Moffett, please circle which of the above statements is not true.

I'm waiting.
Still waiting.
Give it some time.
Ok?
Ok.

Moffett was worth a whole heap of [expletive] and his on-field performance definitively showed him to be a stupid [expletive] idiot. The Sentinel article implies that George O'Leary is the one who destroyed Moffett's career:

"For a coach, there is a fine line between motivation and intimidation. One pushes you into excellence. The other pushes you into despair."

Frankly, I for one wish O'Leary had cursed him even more. God knows I spent enough time in the Citrus Bowl doing just that. Fact: Steven Moffett is a football failure. The Orlando Sentinel writes wistfully of the offers he turned down from "Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and Southern Mississippi" for an opportunity to blossom at UCF.

Listen. Steven Moffett was not going to blossom anywhere. And if a little [expletive] was going to keep him from blossoming? Then he was pursuing the wrong career altogether. What is he doing with his life now? "He plays for the AFL 2 Daytona Thunderbirds and is an assistant coach at Winter Park."

The AFL 2 Daytona Thunderbirds? Holy [expletive]! Clearly, his professional failure is Coach O'Leary, the bad, evil, nasty coach who, of all things, curses at players! If not for these mean spirited words, I am sure he would be winning Super Bowls. Probably winning them singlehandedly.

Yes, O'Leary is one cantankerous dude. Is he coarse? No kidding. We remember a frat brother of ours who introduced himself to O'Leary (an alumnus of our fraternity). Coach's reply? "Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it?" Yes, George O'Leary is abrasive. Does that make him responsible for Moffett's failure? No. Does it make him a bad coach? No. He's done more with a historically underwhelming program than anyone else.

If you can't take the heat...uh, maybe you shouldn't play football at this level.

Orange and Blue Review

2008-04-12T23:18:00.004-04:00

Aaah....Spring Game. We were unable to go, unable even to catch it on TV. If we had watched, we would have:

- Seen Carlos Dunlap get four sacks.

- Seen Caleb Sturgis hit a 60 yard field goal.

- Seen Chris Rainey having a monster day and earning a starting spot.

- Seen Moody disappoint. Hey man, we already have a fumble artist, and his name is Kestahn Moore.

- Not seen John Brantley Jr. do anything. Right after recovering from his shoulder injury, he hurt his throwing hand. What an injury magnet. This guy is going to give Percy Harvin a run for his money, as far as being consistently crippled goes.

Stomach Ailments

2008-04-06T17:23:00.003-04:00

Ok, ok. It's basketball news, but too goofy to pass up. Memphis freshman Derrick Rose had a stomach problem that caused him to miss media sessions. He's still expected to play against Kansas for the title.

The response from his teammates:

"He eats Gummy Bears and Starburst for breakfast, and Twizzlers and Honey Buns for dinner. That's why his stomach hurts," fellow guard Chris Douglas-Roberts said. "We tell Derrick the whole year, 'Stop eating so many Gummy Bears and Sour Straws.' But he can't. ... Nobody eats Gummy Bears more than him."

Too many gummy bears? Jesus. Derrick Rose, you make Percy Harvin look like the model of health.

Surely, you jest.

9/6 Gators-Canes

2008-04-05T15:05:00.002-04:00

Saurian Sagacity has a phenomenal article detailing the rivalry between UF and UM. The post is actually over a year old, but does a phenomenal job of describing why you need to be passionate about the 9/6 Gators-Canes game.

Read it and be born anew.

Because It's Spring...

2008-04-04T12:19:00.003-04:00

...and we have nothing else to post:

There you go. A mascot fight with a C-USA tie-in. Interestingly, the guy in the Houston Cougar costume is a player on the team-- he's a walk-on wide receiver.

Incredibly Premature Predictions: UCF Edition

2008-04-03T13:24:00.002-04:00

From College Football News:

UCF
Realistic best case record with this schedule: 9-3
Barring total disaster worst case record: 4-8
Realistic record: 7-5

The defending Conference USA champions have to go to Tulsa and get a relatively tough game at UTEP to deal with from the West, but they also get the two other East contenders, Southern Miss and East Carolina, at home. Things get interesting late with back-to-back road trips to Marshall and Memphis before closing out with a sure-thing against UAB. The season opener against South Carolina State is forgivable considering the other three non-conference dates are South Florida, at Boston College and at Miami.

CFN also predicts both the UM and BC games as "likely losses" for UCF.

Percy Harvin To Undergo Surgery

2008-04-03T10:42:00.003-04:00

Percy Harvin needs surgery for his heel:

"It's just a bone, the heel bone," Meyer said. "It's really unique. They're having a hard time finding someone else who's had it."

Of course they can't find anyone else who's had this ailment. No, naturally. It makes perfect sense.

The Hits Keep Coming...

2008-04-01T23:17:00.003-04:00

...this one for UCF. The Orlando Sentinel's Kyle Hightower notes that the Knights' would-be starting running back Philip Smith went down with a leg injury at practice:

The injury was to his left leg, but it was hard to tell whether it was a knee, break, etc. He wasn't putting any pressure on the injured leg, however.

Par for the course, man, par for the course.

Incredibly Premature Predictions: UF Edition

2008-04-01T22:06:00.002-04:00

Scarily-accurate wonder-site College Football News has posted predictions of relevance to any Gator:

Florida goes 11-1...

And plays Ohio State for the National Championship. Though if OSU is involved, that's really the Chompionship, isn't it? Our hopes for a NIT Final between OSU and UF were dashed tonight, so we'll just hold on to this prediction:

Georgia might be the hot team going into the year, but Florida will be every bit as good if the secondary has overcome its growing pains. The D might not be better than Georgia's, but the offense will be unstoppable with Tim Tebow likely to be an even better passer, Percy Harvin on the verge of a monster season, and a real live running game ready to operate behind a line strong enough to push some people around. Even if the Dawgs lose at LSU and/or at Auburn, the Cocktail-Don't-Call-It-A-Cocktail Party might be for the SEC East, the SEC, and the national title. The Gators have to go to Tennessee, Arkansas and Florida State, but those should be manageable for a championship caliber team. It'll be the home date with LSU that could be the big problem, along with the Georgia showdown.

Are You Suggesting That Injuries Migrate?

2008-04-01T21:56:00.003-04:00

Percy Harvin's heel injury has now migrated to his knee, The Gainesville Sun Reports. Naturally. Of course. Why shouldn't Harvin have a migratory injury? He's got everything else short of necrotising faciitis. Quote the Sun:

“It's a heel injury and it's gone up into his knee,” Meyer said. “We had a specialist from North Carolina and two guys, a foot specialist from here, and also (head team physician) Dr. Pete (Indelicato). We're coming up with a plan and should have it in the next couple days.”

Harvin was bothered last season by what was thought to be tendonitis in his heel that spread to his knee. Meyer said the injury is not tendonitis, but is a bone issue that could be much more severe.

No, I understand. That makes perfect sense. Percy is unable to be healthy for more than a few weeks at a time.

Necrotising Faciitis: Perhaps the Only Ailment Percy Harvin has Never Had.

Percy Harvin is a Glass Cannon

2008-03-25T16:21:00.002-04:00

Percy Harvin has hurt his heel and may miss Spring Practice. What a glass cannon. If you breath on this guy, he breaks.

Not that we don't love him, of course, and the fact that he seems to warp time when he runs.

Nonetheless, here is a guy who missed the South Carolina game with some truly staggering migraine headache. He suffered a hip pointer after the Ole Miss game. He's had Achilles tendinitis.

Let's go back to 2006-2007 shall we? Harvin injured his ankle against Tennessee. He was also knocked out of the FSU game with a neck injury with what was a memorable, memorable hit.

How Did We Let This Slip By? Shauna Moffitt to Reimburse Sumter County For Time Spent Doing Husband's Homework On The Clock

2008-03-18T16:35:00.002-04:00

Aaaah.....yes.

Quite a while ago, we noted that then-USF Linebacker Ben Moffitt essentially abandoned his wife and children. The two are undergoing a divorce, which we promised to follow up on and report if anything interesting happened (It hasn't. The parties just had a mediation conference, no idea of any agreement reached or not reached).

Wife Shauna claims that Ben Moffitt "doesn't know how to spell," and that she wrote his papers for him. Shauna claims that she wrote them at her workplace, the Sumter County Property Appraiser's Office. She is being required to reimburse the office for her time spent jamming out papers for her apparently illiterate husband.

We love it.

UCF Player Dies after Conditioning Drill

2008-03-18T16:13:00.006-04:00

Redshirt Freshman Ereck Plancher died after a football conditioning workout today. There's absolutely nothing amusing about that, not even a little bit. Condolences to Plancher's family.

Cause of death will be announced after an autopsy. Spring practice has been moved back.

The Orlando Sentinel also has a blog post noting student reactions.

Mascot Fight!

2008-03-18T08:41:00.003-04:00

Here at The Persistent Fool, we're quite partial to mascot fights-- even if they arise at Basketball games. Your sublime moment of vicious mascot on mascot action:

UCF 2008 Football Schedule

2008-03-17T16:05:00.002-04:00

Peruse it, and be enthused.

Exciting games?
9/06 USF at home.
9/20 at Boston College.
10/11 at Miami.

All are potentially winnable. However, the Knights will be losing all three. No surprise there. Miami will be the closest game-- despite DA U's great recruiting class, the bottom line is they'll be having a rough season. Maybe with 24K the Knights would win it, but . . . you all know how this sentence ends.

eBay It!

2008-02-26T16:26:00.005-05:00

The Orlando Sentinel reported in its "Swamp Things" blog that former Gator Steven Harris's 2006 BCS National Championship Ring ended on eBay. The Sentinel refers to Harris's money problems, noting that he "has struggled to support his family -- he had fathered at least three children before finishing his time at UF." At least three children? At least? Steven Harris, you are very BAD AT BIRTH CONTROL. Of course, he's not the only football player to ever fail at contraception. Harris was under contract for the Broncos, so he's surely not totally impoverished at the moment despite, ah, at least three mouths to feed.

The Sentinel later posted Harris's response that it was not his ring. Meanwhile, the auction has been taken off of eBay.

This incident makes us think back to last year, when one of our ol' frat brothers who operates an Orlando pawn shop talked with Florida player who was trying to sell his BCS ring. The shop only offered a little more than $1000, and the player declined to sell. Said frat brother, however, could not identify the player.

Amazing Comments #2

2008-02-20T14:57:00.007-05:00

Yes, yes . . . we know we're going back to the Miami Herald. Um, Again. It's easy pickings, but we promise to be more equal opportunity by mocking fans of other Florida schools in the future.

Miami Herald Gator blogger Joseph Goodman posted an article inviting readers to "Call [him] Crazy" because "UF Should Hire Roland Smith." Unsurprisingly, many posters left comments to the article calling Goodman just that.

Our Amazing Comment today comes from one such enthusiastic poster:

Your not only crazy your a f9cking loser and a moron and I hope you die in burning car. The day Coach Smith thinks about going to the Gay-Turds I will hunt you down.

Posted by: Goodman is a complete moron and a loser | February 15, 2008 at 08:43 PM

Let's see . . . Improper form of "you're?" Check.
(Twice?) Double check.
Strong curse spelled using a numeral? Check.
Semi-literate death wish? Check.
Semi-literate death threat? Check.
Obligatory use of "Gay-Turds?" Check.
Total to aversion to the noble comma? Check.

Oh, Joseph Goodman, please never die in burning car. Or in crashing plane. Or colliding train. Or exploding zeppelin. Or of any other possible death that's missing the vital element of an indefinite article.

For whatever reason, Goodman in a subsequent post proclaimed this to be the "Post of the Year so far":

Why don't you stupid ignorant girlie-men get a life. The jerk who says 'gayturds' all the time is an imbecile and a LOSER. Anyone who always belittles the opponent and people is stupid, lowlife, slimey, scUM. Learn to respect all people and opponents. UM is going to get better. FSU is going to get better. Florida has a long ways to go defensively before they can compete at the highest level again. The Miami and Florida game coming up in six months will be a high-scoring game that is a toss-up. The FSU/Florida game in eight months will be the same -- high scoring and a toss-up. RESPECT all people and all opponents. Then we can all have fun here and enjoy the STATE OF FLORIDA dominance in football again. Please people - GROW UP.

Clearly, the "Post of the Year so far" bar is set astoundingly low. A better candidate would be this individual, who responded to the second post:

Davey, just shut up! FB is not for girls or friendship, it's for rivalry’s.

Love the rivalry's. Especially the rivalry's. And angry fan.

Burning car!

Crashing plane!

Crashing plane on burning car!

Start Crossing Your Fingers Now!

2008-02-18T16:29:00.004-05:00

Readers who know us well are aware of our deep desire to see UCF in a conference that is not, you know, awful. This is perhaps our most fervent desire, or at the very least our most fervent desire not involving glistening oil and several achondroplastic dwarfs and a pony or three.

We're found of pointing out that the Big East is perfect for UCF to get shuffled into. There were two Florida teams in the Big East once upon a time, let's see it again! It's a conference we can win in, too (uh, vis a vis football, anyway). It looks like someone agrees with us, and he has much greater readership! College Football News writes:

There’s no question that the Big East would like to expand a bit to get bigger and more prominent, but it will only happen if it can figure out a way to get up to 12 teams to be able to pull in the revenue from a championship game. The problem would be finding the four teams to make it happen, and making geographic sense . . . I have no inside knowledge and am merely speculating here, but my guess for the four teams would be all from Conference USA: East Carolina, UCF, Memphis, and then either Southern Miss or Marshall.

UCF entering the Big East . . . that's the dream for any long-suffering UCF fan. Including this one. Keep your fingers crossed, as who knows when the next conference reshuffling will be.

Yes, I want UCF into the Big East more than I want even this.

Late-Breaking! Patriots Actually Super Bowl Champs!

2008-02-10T16:53:00.001-05:00

It's not too damn timely, but this article printed in the New York Times last year is too fascinating to pass up.

The article discusses the immediate-post game distribution of Super Bowl Champion clothing to members of the winning team. Of course, to hedge manufacturer's bets, batches of clothing are pre-printed based on the opposite outcome (i.e. Patriots Win!).

The NFL dictates that this "loser" set of championship gear is never to be shown on TV or distributed in the United States. Instead, it is distributed to a relief organization, World Vision. World vision packages the clothing and sends it to developing countries.

Thus, folks in developing countries are running around wearing garments proclaiming the Patriots to be this year's Super Bowl Champs. It makes us more than a little giddy to know that some people, if indeed they can read English, believe New England to have won.

Of course, one wonders... is this where all the recent BCS "non-Champ" shirts have gone?

O-H-I-O!

College Football News Reviews the Recruiting Classes

2008-02-10T16:46:00.000-05:00

College Football News has its breakdown of recruiting classes. For the Knights, CFN predicts that Steven Robinson will be the star of the class, with Jarvis Geathers and Chris Martin being potential immediate impact players.

The run down on Florida's recruiting class is less interesting. Gee, Will Hill is the star, and Omar Hunter and Carl Moore have the potential to make an immediate impact. ... Shocking, really. However, it does give us a reason to post our favorite photo of Omar Hunter:

Omar Hunter get second billing to Will Hill? Omar Hunter SMASH! SMASH! BLOOD! BLOOD!

UM Football Schedule Released

2008-02-09T20:15:00.001-05:00

UM has released its football schedule for 2008. The highlights as far as we're concerned?
- UM v. UF at Florida on 9/6.
- UM v. UCF at Miami on 10/11.

Both should be decent games. Florida hasn't beaten Miami since 1984. The two teams haven't played on a regular basis since 1987.

Gator's Hire USF's McCarney

2008-02-09T14:40:00.000-05:00

UF has hired Dan McCarney as a defensive assistant. McCarney previously head coached for Iowa State, and more recently was the assistant head coach and defensive line coach for USF. He has coached monster defenses, including USF's brutal George Selvie.

This news come after rumors that the Gators may be losing co-defensive coordinator Mattison to the NFL.

We welcome this hire! McCarney gives us visions of barbarian linemen hordes storming and, uh, maybe making a tackle for a loss.

CONAN MAKES TACKLE FOR LOSS!

Recruiting Run-Down

2008-02-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

UF recruitment went well, despite two defections. Rivals.com has the UF class at number 3 overall.
The Gators have also picked up their first verbal commitment for 2009-- Greg Reid. Reid visited the campus on Junior day, and is a long time Gator Fan.

Miami kicked ass, ending up #4. FSU ended up in the top ten as well.

USF ended up with the 55th ranked class, with UCF just behind them at #56. If that sticks in your craw, Knight fan, note this: only one mid-major program had a better ranked recruiting class than the Knights did. Of course, that's in-division rival Southern Miss. who somehow managed to entice a 5-star recruit into playing for its humble program.

Brandon Harris Goes to Miami

2008-02-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

Ah....well. Brandon Harris chose Miami over Ohio State and UCF.

Miami fans get to revel in a great recruiting year, and also chant DA U DA U DA U any number of times.

UCF gets another reminder that it's still eating at the kid's table, rather than with the grown-ups.

....and OSU still sucks.

Brandon Harris...Still up in the Air

2008-02-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

Brandon Harris is still up in the air as far as the commitment issue goes, according to the Miami Herald. UCF is still in it:

''It was a nice trip. It was productive. I got a lot of it touring the campus and facility,'' Harris said. ``I know people think I'm crazy, but UCF -- they're in it. People don't see what I see and the experience I had. It was a wonderful time.

``The best part about it was the direction they're headed in with Coach O'Leary. He has a vision and a plan of where he wants the program to go. They just got a new stadium on campus. They're like a college town atmosphere. It's not too close to home, it's not too far from home. It's in the perfect location.''

``I'd say it's them three -- Miami, Ohio State and UCF -- and LSU is closing in. It's a possibility I could go to Florida. I feel good about those five. But it goes back to those three. It's just what I feel.''

Inside the Mind of a UM Recruiting Fan

2008-02-05T07:52:00.000-05:00

The Sun-Sentinel delves into the mind of an obsessive, over-excited UM recruiting fan:

UM5STAR: Guys like me are what we call DACs. Distant Assistant Coaches. Our job is to go on every message board and basically plea and beg for top recruits to become a Cane. We are like Randy's soldiers. We give the recruits the added attention. We make them feel like stars before they even arrive on campus. I do my flyin' around for Coach Shannon at the keyboard.

Hilarious. Even better: Canes fans on other message boards getting obsessive, over-excited, and overheated about the parody article:

Shandel from sun-sentinel is making fun of UM fans!!!!

Post Super Bowl Thoughts

2008-02-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

Helluva game.

We so, so, so badly wanted our favorite Knight Alumnus Asante Samuel to intercept that pass that would have ended the game. He got his feet down, but didn't snag the ball. My God, the monumental disappointment and agony on his face was incredible. We couldn't find a screen capture of it. Fortunately, however, we do have this artistic rendering:

"Samuel Failing to Make Game-Sealing Interception," by Edvard Munch, February 3, 2008. Oil, tempera, and pastel on cardboard.

Helluva game.

The Miami Herald on UCF Recruiting

2008-02-02T16:37:00.000-05:00

The Miami Herald has the most complete article I have read anywhere this year dealing with UCF recruiting. Yes, for some reason The Miami Herald has delved deeper into UCF than The Orlando Sentinel. Perhaps it's because Mike Bianchi is too busy smearing Urban Meyer.

The Herald discusses how UCF's phenomenal facilities have helped lure good recruits, including the running back I'm pinning my future hopes on, Brynn Harvey, to UCF rather than BCS schools. Love that 45,000 seat Bright House Stadium.

Rivals.com ranks UCF's class #58 in the country, one behind those evil USF bovines. UCF also has the most three star recruits that it has had since O'Leary Took over.

We got us some facilities.

UF Entices Linebacker, Back To Best Recruiting Class

2008-01-30T13:25:00.000-05:00

William Green, a 4 star linebacker, has committed to the Gators. Green is the 7th ranked outside linebacker in the country, and according to Rivals.com, the #83 overall prospect.

Hopefully this will go better than, you know, the other guy named Green that Gators recruited this season.

And yes, the Gators once again have the best recruiting class in the country.

Foolish Hopes For Brandon Harris

2008-01-29T16:37:00.000-05:00

The Orlando Sentinel notes that Brandon Harris, the number 3 corner recruit in the country is choosing between Ohio State, Miami . . . and UCF.

Yes, we noted that this was bizarre in an earlier post.

The Sentinel's Kyle Hightower points out recent comments by Harris:

"At this point, the two schools that stand out are Ohio State and Miami . . . They've made me feel comfortable around them, the program and their players. When we did our home visits, we just didn't talk about football, but about life in general. We were able to relate on different issues. They made my parents feel comfortable, we grew to trust them and that they would take care of me if I were to choose their school. Actually, I feel the same way about Central Florida. They made me feel like I can trust them. If I were to go there, I'd be in good hands.”

Hightower notes, "UCF has 18 commitments following the weekend commitment of Brynn Harvey. That number would go up to 19 with Harris." Of course, this is roughly equivalent to saying "If I found a million dollars tomorrow, I'd have a million dollars and six cents in liquid assets!"

UCF fans should congratulate themselves for having a program (apparently), but Harris is not going to be a Knight. If he wants to play in state, he'd go to Miami. If he wants to play for National Championships, he'd go to Ohio State.

The Stadium That Care Forgot

2008-01-28T17:11:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, the last game ever played in the Orange Bowl happened just the other day-- flag football between former Dolphins and former 'Canes. Here's an essay written by Scott Holtz memorializing the Orange Bowl. It was penned shortly before the last college game played in the stadium and is reprinted with permission.

The Stadium That Care Forgot
By Scott Holtz
Scott dot Holtz at gmail dot com

I find myself sitting in Natural Resources Law (much more boring that
it sounds, if you can believe it), and instead of the usual course of
Cricklers, Chess, and College Football blog checking, I want to talk
about the black cloud that hangs over me this week- the death of the
Orange Bowl.

The Critics
1. No one will miss that old dump.
2. Why do you even care about that toilet?
3. Miami sucks anyway.
- a representative sample

Yeah, all of you who have said one of the above (or a variation) to me
are right. The Orange Bowl is a dingy, old stadium. It's full of
obstructed views. There's a mysterious yellow liquid that comes down
from the upper deck onto the people directly below the vents in the
overhang (everyone prays it's beer). I just wish that you all could
look at it and see what I see.

I could easily explain the Orange Bowl's cemented place as a football
shrine. (As if ubersentimental ESPN won't do enough of that on
Saturday.) Here's a very inexhaustive overview:
NFL- Super Bowl III (Jets over Colts), The Longest Game Ever Played,
Miami gives Chicago it's only loss of 1985- on Monday Night
Football-preserving the 1972 Dolphins' record, home of the 1972
Dolphins, hosted 5 Super Bowls, Finkle is Einhorn-Einhorn is Finkle,
the debut of Dan Marino.

NCAA- Record 58 game home winning streak, Miami won three of 5
National Championships in Orange Bowl, home of the Orange Bowl-the
second oldest bowl-from 1937-1995 and again in 1999, Wide Right II and
Wide Left that decided trips to the National Championship for Miami
and FSU, the Gator Flop, 1989 #2 Miami ends #1 Notre Dame's 18 game
winning streak and a bid for a repeat National Championship winning
before the largest crowd in OB history and converting on 3rd and 43
from inside the 5 yard line, Miami Florida State's first National
Championship, Tom Osborne's first National Championship.

But when I shed a tear as a walk out of the Old Lady for the last
time, those great moments will likely be far from my mind. The Orange
Bowl is where I saw my first football game when I was four years old.
It's where I spent practically every fall Saturday until I was
thirteen. Only there would they put the Family Section in one half of
the endzone and the rowdiest, drunken fans of the cheap seats in the
other half of the same endzone. I was a six-year old kid when I was
taught how to turn the "Tomahawk Chop" into the Italian gesture for
"Fuck You" and to call them "Semenholes." I was eight before I figured
out what that meant. Sometimes when I cross the street I flash back to
my dad grabbing my hand screaming, "Let's Go!" and yanking me across
the street to the stadium as cars bore down on us. I'll miss the
80-year old ladies who can't speak English beyond calling out,
"Shiski! Shiski!" The first Gator player I can remember recognizing?
#9 Shane Matthews. Know why? The mural on the wall of the Orange Bowl
Bar that faces the stadium. First memory at a sporting event? Nov. 25,
1989- Miami 27 Notre Dame 10 in front of a then record 81,000 plus. At
night. The stadium was so packed that we were two to a seat on the
bleachers in the West Endzone. There won't be General Admission at
Dolphins Stadium, so next year some little kid won't get the same
experience I did of being put up on Dad's shoulders while he and Mom
raced up the ramp to get good seats. Dolphins Stadium won't thunder
the same way the Orange Bowl does when everyone stamps on the floor
during a big play or when Sebastian beckons a the stadium to make as
much noise as possible before a C-A-N-E-S, CANES! I had my first beer
at a game in the Orange Bowl. I shook Warren Sapp's hand when my
friend and I snuck onto the field before a game-they almost kicked our
parents out.

So, excuse me if I wax nostalgic this week for a grand old stadium
that like so many other things and people was let down by the City of
Miami. I'm not just saying goodbye to a building, I'm saying goodbye
to a big part of my childhood. And a big part of my love of the Canes.

Oh, and if you just don't get the bond someone can have for a stadium
that houses so many memories, or for the profound effect that sports
can have on a person's life, then I pity you.

Sutton Too Dumb to Breath Unaided, Sinks UF Recruiting Class to #2

2008-01-28T16:11:00.000-05:00

Gator Recruit Chaz Sutton failed to qualify academically, meaning that the Gator's recruiting class has now dropped to #2. Funny, it wasn't too long ago that we mocked his classmate and would-be Gator recruit Franklin Green for failing to qualify. The loss of Chaz also means that the Gators are denied the opportunity to have both a Chaz and a Chas on the team simultaneously.

Chaz Sutton is therefore too dumb to breath without assistance.

Breath, Chaz Sutton! BREATH